Oh Oh Something Shiny!!!

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Tooth or Walk funny? — February 8, 2015

Tooth or Walk funny?

About three years ago, the inevitable happened…. my fake too fell out.  The main problem with this???  My husband who says he isn’t worried what others think at all (but totally is) had no clue I even had a fake tooth.  Crap!!!  Well, for better or worse right?

How do I break the news?? With humor of course.  I came down stairs with the biggest smile and said, “Congratulations!!!  You married this sexy beast”.  He asked what the hell I was talking about so I broke the news saying I had had a bridge since I was about 22.  In all honestly, I had forgotten about it.  It just fell out one day.  So, he googled immediately what I could get to get the tooth back in until I could get to the dentist.  We run down to Walgreens and buy some kind of cement. I forgot. I know it really didn’t work well because I remember a few days later, I was brushing my teeth and my tooth fell out again and went down the drain.  Crap!!!!  And, of course, with my reigning luck that I have, I was on my way to an interview.  So, I took the sink apart and got my tooth and applied the cement and arrived with my tooth in right on time!!!

Should I beg and tell this lady about my dramatic experience and what it took to get here looking presentable?

Afterwards, I made an appointment with my dentist. He is a hottie may I add.  All the girls love him.  Yes, I said girls meaning my daughter and her friends.  That is how I found him.  When I was looking for a local dentist, all their friends would say, “Oh, go to Dr. Patton. He is hot”.  So, of course you have to go to the hot dentist right?  I mean, I personally think going to the dentist is worse than going to the gyno.  Just sayen!

Ever since I pulled my braces off back when I was 19 (before remembering they had pulled my tooth so I had a fake one), I had wanted a screw in tooth.  So, the hot dentist says to get it all started we would make me a flipper to wear while I was going through the fake tooth process.  Yay!!!  We are getting started on it. I will be a real girl again!!

Of course, they have to make the mold… that is the worse thing!!!  I mean, this may sound totally nasty but hello…  it reminds of … well, ladies…..  you know… “the deed” your man so much loves.  The ooze just leaks back into the dark side of your throat.  All the while he is saying, “Not much longer. Almost there”.  Finally, he pulls it out (the mold thingy) and I reveal to him how I would much rather make a visit to the Gyno rather than having make a visit to him… hot or not.  I didn’t say the hot part I promise. I do have some cooth.

Anyway, three days later, I have my flipper.  Then the doc breaks the news of the price.  Well, yea, that isn’t going to happen.  But, I have a tooth.  My husband said we would put it on the cc if it was important but I said we would wait. I lived without it for 35 plus year, why get all fancy now?

Last week I forgot my tooth at home.  I have done this numerous times but I usually have time to come back home and get my tooth.  Well, I was already going to be about five min. late.  So, I text Greg and Jordan asking one of them to bring my tooth.

Doesn’t everyone get that same text from time to time?

So, Greg responds back saying okay.  I told him to bring me a coffee so I wouldn’t have to explain why he was showing up at my work.

Hahahah… wasn’t that a good trick to get starbucks delivered to my work??? I am a total genius I know 🙂

He shows up with my flipper in a ziplock bag and hands me my coffee and leaves.  I think he was more embarrassed than me I swear.  The next day he text saying for me to go get a tooth. He didn’t care about the cost. It was ridiculous.  So, I made an appointment with a periodontist.  I had no clue there was such a thing!!!  She isn’t a hottie like my dentist but in all honesty, I would rather a woman see me toothless than a man.  And, I think they’re more sympathetic as well.

So we are on our way to get me a tooth. It will be approximately $2000 that we don’t have but it is very humiliating when I have a few drinks at friends houses and take my teeth out.  Then the next am I am scurrying around looking for it.

True Story:

A couple of years ago, my sis n law comes into town from Virginia.  Me and her got a room with her three kids.  My mom and Step father had a room next door.  Well, her and I had a good ol’ time …  Jordan was staying with the kids.  We had three bottles of wine and realized it was 1:45.  Crap!!! We have to have our patron. So, we go to the bar which was already closed.  It was honestly a blessing in disguise because we proceeded to cruise around the hotel and taking any picture that crossed our mind.  This hotel was pretty fancy too.  I  remember hiding from employees from time to time.

The next am, we woke up at 9:30.  Jordan had already left and it was me and Shonnie with the kids. I was asleep on the floor.  We had to hurry and get everyone ready before check out.  She was getting the kids dressed and we were discussing why Jordan wasn’t there. She said Jordan had to go to work but she had woke me up before she left and I had given her money.  We were talking about how our head hurt and how stupid we were.  Of course she has no clue I have no tooth.  I laughed about something and she saw my big gap…  I immediately saw her facial expression and before she could say anything, I said, “Oh crap where is my tooth”.  So all of us are looking under the covers, beds, everywhere and suddenly she says, “Crap!!! Is there a Lion in the bathroom”.  Of course, we hysterically laugh and she says, ” I can’t believe we stood and posed in the fountain and took pictures.”.  I didn’t remember that at all. We both grab our phones and they’re both dead of course.  We hurry and load the kids up and get in the car as soon as possible to charge our phones and to see any reasons we may have extra charges put on the bill.  When we finally get the phones on and are able to look at the pictures we discover:

We had gotten in the fountain and were posing spitting out water like the other figures

Played the piano and videoed it in the entry way

cussed at the big parrot

Laid on top of a jaguar in my pajamas TRYING to look all sexy like a calendar girl

gotten behind the registration booth and pretended to work there

All this in the San Luis hotel on the seawall in our pajamas and of course un-matching socks.  We are a couple of trophy moms I tell ya !

Okay, back to the story….

Anyway, while I am on a doctor streak this week, I decided to go to a neurologist also because my feet are going numb while I run.  I have been just ignoring it because quite frankly I love to eat and I really don’t want to go to jail for killing people.  The Dr. says I more than likely have a slipped disc but that requires an MRI.  So, I scheduled that.  Yay!!!!  This year may be my year………… my hip pain may finally subside and I will have a tooth.  Holy Crap!!!!  I will be a total 5 now!!!

Friday, the imaging people call me and say the MRI is going to be 1200.  Knowing we don’t have the money for it, I cancelled the appointment.  When I came home, I was griping how insurance wouldn’t cover the MRI. I mean, it is preventive care!!!  So, they’ll pay for me to have a surgery but won’t pay to see if there is something that can be done prior????   Him, being the very supportive husband he is replies, “Well, if you want to be able to run, we can skip your teeth. You have a choice…… you can have a tooth or you can walk funny.”

I put on my shoes and went for a run……….  I figure I will just keep running til I need a surgery then insurance can pay for it then.  But, I will have my tooth in a year and I will look cute when I fall.   As it is, if I don’t run I will not be looking cute in prison for killing people since I couldn’t  run to relieve stress.  I say the tooth is priority!

First day at my new gym — September 4, 2014

First day at my new gym



I have been a runner for about 18 years now. Well more like this:




I still love to run. When people ask me why I run, I often tell them “So I won’t kill people”.  Of course that isn’t true but it is very close!  My routine has been come home from work, change clothes immediately, and go for my run.  If I walk in my house and start doing stuff, I will never make it out the door again.  This has been my schedule for ten years now.  ADHD people have to have a schedule. If not, nothing will get accomplished!


My world turned upside down last November. Therefore, I was dealing with family issues several evenings of the week and on Sunday afternoons.  I didn’t get all my meals cooked for the week on Sunday and I had to come home and actually cook supper or clean on a weeknight vs. the weekend. Therefore, my schedule got out of whack and has not came together since.  I start doing good for a couple of days then someone calls for a beer or happy hour and BBBAAAMMM…………. back to my slacking.




Last week, I joined a new gym thinking if I do that, I will be excited about the newness and hopefully a few hotties to check out while I am on my machine of choice for the day. When I am new at a gym or in my case, have no idea where anything is I always play the safe route.  I figure If I  go in a few times and do the elliptical or treadmill and just secretly follow people around to find out where the bathrooms are or how to clean the machines, etc.


Monday, I picked out the elliptical.  I figured that would be the one where I wouldn’t have a sign on my forehead saying “NEW GIRL!  WATCH ME I MAY FALL “. Well, I don’t think I did a very good job of covering my newness (do I ever).  When I got on the machine, I hit quick start.  Still didn’t register!  Then I hit the random button, still didn’t start going and blinking like it was suppose to.  By then, I am worried people are staring because I mean obviously, everyone is at that gym to wait on a new girl to make a complete idiot out of herself.  Feeling very insecure I decided to turn on my TV.  That would distract someone behind me waiting to see if I would ever figure the machine out, right?  Five minutes later, I finally figured out the television all while still peddling trying to look like I was doing all the right things.  After pushing every button on the machine, I decided manual was the way to go.  Then, I look at my left, and see the little 18 year old boy was on level 8!!!  Awe hell no!!! I can’t let this brat do better than me!!! So, I up it to 9!!! Don’t worry, as soon as he left I put it down to five.


By now, I am feeling cool!  Yea, I look like I know what I am doing.  I have a decent show on and I can relax knowing that I am not standing out anymore. Five minutes later, I get that feeling…………… you know the one. The one where you know someone is looking at you or talking about you.  So, I give the quick look to my right looking slightly up pretending I am looking at the clock.  When I turn ever so quickly I notice the “looker” is my neighbor.  He is pointing at my butt and smiling.  Most neighbors would smile and say hi but he is a talker and I don’t want to talk at the gym. Seeing him pointing at my butt made me very defensive though. I mean, I know I am not some model and I by no means have a cute butt but for his fat ass to be pointing and laughing pissed me off.  I wanted to ask him “When was the last time you saw your pecker you bald butthead?”.


See why I work out???  To control my mouth! That is the answer.


Being very self conscious the rest of my workout, I constantly pulled my shirt down hoping it would cover my big butt up that my neighbor was laughing so hard at!  Finally, after the timer when off I went home to take my bath.  Still bothered by my neighbors rude gesture I decided to make the motion my butt would be doing in the mirror while on the elliptical.  To my horror, I discovered not only was my butt still huge after my hour on the elliptical but also that my shiny WHITE butt was totally seen through!  Oh yea!!!!  All bright and wide.  And, I never wear thongs but on that given day I did.  Awesome………………..  yes, every time my leg went up and down, my crack went side to side as well.  Did I mention I was born a ginger and still have quite a bit of ginger in me so I have mayonnaise legs!!!  It was black on top of a flashlight!

kim-naked see-through-yoga-pants-2


So yes, this is embarrassing but on one hand, we’re all adults.  If you are a regular at any gym you know mishaps happen and we all laugh about it.

1. Crotch sweat

2. Boobs falling out

3. Passing gas while working out

4. Rips in pants you don’t know about until the person behind you tells you

5. Falling of any sort

We could go on for hours here!

My main complaint is now though that my neighbor knows me.  Why didn’t he come up and say “Girl, your shit is showing you need to go change”.  I would’ve laughed and made some joke about how big it is and got off the machine giggling at myself the entire time.  But no, he was pointing at my butt obviously pointing it out to people that I didn’t even know!


Now you know why I didn’t want to speak to him?  Again, I want to say, “I bet you can’t find spandex to fit your big butt even if men wore them” or something equally as immature!


Yes, I have thrown the pants away!  From now on I will do a but bend test in front of the mirror!


It did make me feel good last night though when I returned and did a new workout class.  My teacher was wearing gray spandex (why do they even make those) and had blue underwear on underneath.  Well, they may not have been blue nor it may not have been underwear but sweat does not make a perfect triangle when working out. If they weren’t underwear she has landscaping issues and needs to take care of that! I didn’t tell her though. I figured since it was my first class I won’t say a word.  I will wait til my second class!