About three years ago, the inevitable happened…. my fake too fell out.  The main problem with this???  My husband who says he isn’t worried what others think at all (but totally is) had no clue I even had a fake tooth.  Crap!!!  Well, for better or worse right?

How do I break the news?? With humor of course.  I came down stairs with the biggest smile and said, “Congratulations!!!  You married this sexy beast”.  He asked what the hell I was talking about so I broke the news saying I had had a bridge since I was about 22.  In all honestly, I had forgotten about it.  It just fell out one day.  So, he googled immediately what I could get to get the tooth back in until I could get to the dentist.  We run down to Walgreens and buy some kind of cement. I forgot. I know it really didn’t work well because I remember a few days later, I was brushing my teeth and my tooth fell out again and went down the drain.  Crap!!!!  And, of course, with my reigning luck that I have, I was on my way to an interview.  So, I took the sink apart and got my tooth and applied the cement and arrived with my tooth in right on time!!!

Should I beg and tell this lady about my dramatic experience and what it took to get here looking presentable?

Afterwards, I made an appointment with my dentist. He is a hottie may I add.  All the girls love him.  Yes, I said girls meaning my daughter and her friends.  That is how I found him.  When I was looking for a local dentist, all their friends would say, “Oh, go to Dr. Patton. He is hot”.  So, of course you have to go to the hot dentist right?  I mean, I personally think going to the dentist is worse than going to the gyno.  Just sayen!

Ever since I pulled my braces off back when I was 19 (before remembering they had pulled my tooth so I had a fake one), I had wanted a screw in tooth.  So, the hot dentist says to get it all started we would make me a flipper to wear while I was going through the fake tooth process.  Yay!!!  We are getting started on it. I will be a real girl again!!

Of course, they have to make the mold… that is the worse thing!!!  I mean, this may sound totally nasty but hello…  it reminds of … well, ladies…..  you know… “the deed” your man so much loves.  The ooze just leaks back into the dark side of your throat.  All the while he is saying, “Not much longer. Almost there”.  Finally, he pulls it out (the mold thingy) and I reveal to him how I would much rather make a visit to the Gyno rather than having make a visit to him… hot or not.  I didn’t say the hot part I promise. I do have some cooth.

Anyway, three days later, I have my flipper.  Then the doc breaks the news of the price.  Well, yea, that isn’t going to happen.  But, I have a tooth.  My husband said we would put it on the cc if it was important but I said we would wait. I lived without it for 35 plus year, why get all fancy now?

Last week I forgot my tooth at home.  I have done this numerous times but I usually have time to come back home and get my tooth.  Well, I was already going to be about five min. late.  So, I text Greg and Jordan asking one of them to bring my tooth.

Doesn’t everyone get that same text from time to time?

So, Greg responds back saying okay.  I told him to bring me a coffee so I wouldn’t have to explain why he was showing up at my work.

Hahahah… wasn’t that a good trick to get starbucks delivered to my work??? I am a total genius I know 🙂

He shows up with my flipper in a ziplock bag and hands me my coffee and leaves.  I think he was more embarrassed than me I swear.  The next day he text saying for me to go get a tooth. He didn’t care about the cost. It was ridiculous.  So, I made an appointment with a periodontist.  I had no clue there was such a thing!!!  She isn’t a hottie like my dentist but in all honesty, I would rather a woman see me toothless than a man.  And, I think they’re more sympathetic as well.

So we are on our way to get me a tooth. It will be approximately $2000 that we don’t have but it is very humiliating when I have a few drinks at friends houses and take my teeth out.  Then the next am I am scurrying around looking for it.

True Story:

A couple of years ago, my sis n law comes into town from Virginia.  Me and her got a room with her three kids.  My mom and Step father had a room next door.  Well, her and I had a good ol’ time …  Jordan was staying with the kids.  We had three bottles of wine and realized it was 1:45.  Crap!!! We have to have our patron. So, we go to the bar which was already closed.  It was honestly a blessing in disguise because we proceeded to cruise around the hotel and taking any picture that crossed our mind.  This hotel was pretty fancy too.  I  remember hiding from employees from time to time.

The next am, we woke up at 9:30.  Jordan had already left and it was me and Shonnie with the kids. I was asleep on the floor.  We had to hurry and get everyone ready before check out.  She was getting the kids dressed and we were discussing why Jordan wasn’t there. She said Jordan had to go to work but she had woke me up before she left and I had given her money.  We were talking about how our head hurt and how stupid we were.  Of course she has no clue I have no tooth.  I laughed about something and she saw my big gap…  I immediately saw her facial expression and before she could say anything, I said, “Oh crap where is my tooth”.  So all of us are looking under the covers, beds, everywhere and suddenly she says, “Crap!!! Is there a Lion in the bathroom”.  Of course, we hysterically laugh and she says, ” I can’t believe we stood and posed in the fountain and took pictures.”.  I didn’t remember that at all. We both grab our phones and they’re both dead of course.  We hurry and load the kids up and get in the car as soon as possible to charge our phones and to see any reasons we may have extra charges put on the bill.  When we finally get the phones on and are able to look at the pictures we discover:

We had gotten in the fountain and were posing spitting out water like the other figures

Played the piano and videoed it in the entry way

cussed at the big parrot

Laid on top of a jaguar in my pajamas TRYING to look all sexy like a calendar girl

gotten behind the registration booth and pretended to work there

All this in the San Luis hotel on the seawall in our pajamas and of course un-matching socks.  We are a couple of trophy moms I tell ya !

Okay, back to the story….

Anyway, while I am on a doctor streak this week, I decided to go to a neurologist also because my feet are going numb while I run.  I have been just ignoring it because quite frankly I love to eat and I really don’t want to go to jail for killing people.  The Dr. says I more than likely have a slipped disc but that requires an MRI.  So, I scheduled that.  Yay!!!!  This year may be my year………… my hip pain may finally subside and I will have a tooth.  Holy Crap!!!!  I will be a total 5 now!!!

Friday, the imaging people call me and say the MRI is going to be 1200.  Knowing we don’t have the money for it, I cancelled the appointment.  When I came home, I was griping how insurance wouldn’t cover the MRI. I mean, it is preventive care!!!  So, they’ll pay for me to have a surgery but won’t pay to see if there is something that can be done prior????   Him, being the very supportive husband he is replies, “Well, if you want to be able to run, we can skip your teeth. You have a choice…… you can have a tooth or you can walk funny.”

I put on my shoes and went for a run……….  I figure I will just keep running til I need a surgery then insurance can pay for it then.  But, I will have my tooth in a year and I will look cute when I fall.   As it is, if I don’t run I will not be looking cute in prison for killing people since I couldn’t  run to relieve stress.  I say the tooth is priority!

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