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Tooth or Walk funny? — February 8, 2015

Tooth or Walk funny?

About three years ago, the inevitable happened…. my fake too fell out.  The main problem with this???  My husband who says he isn’t worried what others think at all (but totally is) had no clue I even had a fake tooth.  Crap!!!  Well, for better or worse right?

How do I break the news?? With humor of course.  I came down stairs with the biggest smile and said, “Congratulations!!!  You married this sexy beast”.  He asked what the hell I was talking about so I broke the news saying I had had a bridge since I was about 22.  In all honestly, I had forgotten about it.  It just fell out one day.  So, he googled immediately what I could get to get the tooth back in until I could get to the dentist.  We run down to Walgreens and buy some kind of cement. I forgot. I know it really didn’t work well because I remember a few days later, I was brushing my teeth and my tooth fell out again and went down the drain.  Crap!!!!  And, of course, with my reigning luck that I have, I was on my way to an interview.  So, I took the sink apart and got my tooth and applied the cement and arrived with my tooth in right on time!!!

Should I beg and tell this lady about my dramatic experience and what it took to get here looking presentable?

Afterwards, I made an appointment with my dentist. He is a hottie may I add.  All the girls love him.  Yes, I said girls meaning my daughter and her friends.  That is how I found him.  When I was looking for a local dentist, all their friends would say, “Oh, go to Dr. Patton. He is hot”.  So, of course you have to go to the hot dentist right?  I mean, I personally think going to the dentist is worse than going to the gyno.  Just sayen!

Ever since I pulled my braces off back when I was 19 (before remembering they had pulled my tooth so I had a fake one), I had wanted a screw in tooth.  So, the hot dentist says to get it all started we would make me a flipper to wear while I was going through the fake tooth process.  Yay!!!  We are getting started on it. I will be a real girl again!!

Of course, they have to make the mold… that is the worse thing!!!  I mean, this may sound totally nasty but hello…  it reminds of … well, ladies…..  you know… “the deed” your man so much loves.  The ooze just leaks back into the dark side of your throat.  All the while he is saying, “Not much longer. Almost there”.  Finally, he pulls it out (the mold thingy) and I reveal to him how I would much rather make a visit to the Gyno rather than having make a visit to him… hot or not.  I didn’t say the hot part I promise. I do have some cooth.

Anyway, three days later, I have my flipper.  Then the doc breaks the news of the price.  Well, yea, that isn’t going to happen.  But, I have a tooth.  My husband said we would put it on the cc if it was important but I said we would wait. I lived without it for 35 plus year, why get all fancy now?

Last week I forgot my tooth at home.  I have done this numerous times but I usually have time to come back home and get my tooth.  Well, I was already going to be about five min. late.  So, I text Greg and Jordan asking one of them to bring my tooth.

Doesn’t everyone get that same text from time to time?

So, Greg responds back saying okay.  I told him to bring me a coffee so I wouldn’t have to explain why he was showing up at my work.

Hahahah… wasn’t that a good trick to get starbucks delivered to my work??? I am a total genius I know 🙂

He shows up with my flipper in a ziplock bag and hands me my coffee and leaves.  I think he was more embarrassed than me I swear.  The next day he text saying for me to go get a tooth. He didn’t care about the cost. It was ridiculous.  So, I made an appointment with a periodontist.  I had no clue there was such a thing!!!  She isn’t a hottie like my dentist but in all honesty, I would rather a woman see me toothless than a man.  And, I think they’re more sympathetic as well.

So we are on our way to get me a tooth. It will be approximately $2000 that we don’t have but it is very humiliating when I have a few drinks at friends houses and take my teeth out.  Then the next am I am scurrying around looking for it.

True Story:

A couple of years ago, my sis n law comes into town from Virginia.  Me and her got a room with her three kids.  My mom and Step father had a room next door.  Well, her and I had a good ol’ time …  Jordan was staying with the kids.  We had three bottles of wine and realized it was 1:45.  Crap!!! We have to have our patron. So, we go to the bar which was already closed.  It was honestly a blessing in disguise because we proceeded to cruise around the hotel and taking any picture that crossed our mind.  This hotel was pretty fancy too.  I  remember hiding from employees from time to time.

The next am, we woke up at 9:30.  Jordan had already left and it was me and Shonnie with the kids. I was asleep on the floor.  We had to hurry and get everyone ready before check out.  She was getting the kids dressed and we were discussing why Jordan wasn’t there. She said Jordan had to go to work but she had woke me up before she left and I had given her money.  We were talking about how our head hurt and how stupid we were.  Of course she has no clue I have no tooth.  I laughed about something and she saw my big gap…  I immediately saw her facial expression and before she could say anything, I said, “Oh crap where is my tooth”.  So all of us are looking under the covers, beds, everywhere and suddenly she says, “Crap!!! Is there a Lion in the bathroom”.  Of course, we hysterically laugh and she says, ” I can’t believe we stood and posed in the fountain and took pictures.”.  I didn’t remember that at all. We both grab our phones and they’re both dead of course.  We hurry and load the kids up and get in the car as soon as possible to charge our phones and to see any reasons we may have extra charges put on the bill.  When we finally get the phones on and are able to look at the pictures we discover:

We had gotten in the fountain and were posing spitting out water like the other figures

Played the piano and videoed it in the entry way

cussed at the big parrot

Laid on top of a jaguar in my pajamas TRYING to look all sexy like a calendar girl

gotten behind the registration booth and pretended to work there

All this in the San Luis hotel on the seawall in our pajamas and of course un-matching socks.  We are a couple of trophy moms I tell ya !

Okay, back to the story….

Anyway, while I am on a doctor streak this week, I decided to go to a neurologist also because my feet are going numb while I run.  I have been just ignoring it because quite frankly I love to eat and I really don’t want to go to jail for killing people.  The Dr. says I more than likely have a slipped disc but that requires an MRI.  So, I scheduled that.  Yay!!!!  This year may be my year………… my hip pain may finally subside and I will have a tooth.  Holy Crap!!!!  I will be a total 5 now!!!

Friday, the imaging people call me and say the MRI is going to be 1200.  Knowing we don’t have the money for it, I cancelled the appointment.  When I came home, I was griping how insurance wouldn’t cover the MRI. I mean, it is preventive care!!!  So, they’ll pay for me to have a surgery but won’t pay to see if there is something that can be done prior????   Him, being the very supportive husband he is replies, “Well, if you want to be able to run, we can skip your teeth. You have a choice…… you can have a tooth or you can walk funny.”

I put on my shoes and went for a run……….  I figure I will just keep running til I need a surgery then insurance can pay for it then.  But, I will have my tooth in a year and I will look cute when I fall.   As it is, if I don’t run I will not be looking cute in prison for killing people since I couldn’t  run to relieve stress.  I say the tooth is priority!

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Intellectual Conversations Between Girlfriends — January 23, 2015

Intellectual Conversations Between Girlfriends

”  Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my mom dying. She had died in her sleep 2 hours after I had been on the phone with her planning my daughters grad party the night before.  That is how sudden it was.  I am not saying losing a parent or loved one is ever easy but I do think if they were sick prior or something like that you have time to prepare yourself mentally.  At least that is how it happened for me.  My grandmas were my saving grace growing up.  I was extremely close with them but they were sick and going “downhill” for several years prior so it wasn’t as hard as losing my mom has been.

Okay, the prequel is depressing and not what my story is really about I promise.

Since the night prior to my mom’s passing, to distract me I had scheduled a date with my sis n law for 8:00 pm to distract me from thinking and replaying my mom and I’s last conversation over and over in my head.  My husband and I had gone out to eat and had a few beers.  After eating, he had stopped and gotten two bottles of wine for me to sit on the back porch for me and me to have my “date” of conversation about absolutely nothing! Fifteen minutes later I am stressing. She lives in Virginia and has children to put to bed so it was 8:20 before she was able to call.

Don’t you hate it when your children interfere with your social life?  I mean, they need to learn we have priorities.

It was killing me.  My husband won’t admit it but I am quite sure he is as much thankful for my phone dates I have with my girlfriends as well.  He doesn’t have to sit and listen and try to dissect the exceptionally profound conversations us women have.  He certainly does not appreciate our perception of what is important. That is for sure. He is not a talker and has no social life.  I needed distraction fast!!!!

OMG!!!  He is on his second glass.  He is fixing to start talking.  Great!!!  I will hear about the latest printer he worked on or his ninja fighting stuff.  God I wish he would get guy friends and get a hobby and talk about the important things going on in the world like me and my friends do.  Please hurry and call Captain Vagina before he gets on a roll. 

Finally, she calls and we discuss the major events of the world going on for the next 2 hours.

Warning:  The next portion of this blog is very intellectual and serious issues going on in the world.  You may need a dictionary or thesaurus to interpret the extreme diversity of our conversation.

1. She was turning 40 at midnight.  I had bought a new wine glass for my date with her that said “40 is Sexy”

2.My story of spending six hours on Amazon trying to find her the perfect gift. I had $250 of gifts that I thought were great, useful or totally useless but would make her smile because only her or I would understand it.  For instance, my brother is a Captain in the navy so he is “important”.  Since she is a C.O.W. she is required to host one fancy party a year.  She was telling me how she gets so  that she wants to bang her head against the wall and drool on herself. So, I had put her a square Pad in my shopping cart so that she could gracefully bang her head against the wall during these ever so awful situations and still look cute with her hair fixed.  Perhaps I would sew a pocket on the bottom as well so she could re-apply her lip gloss after to look as beautiful and sophisticated as the other polished C.O.W.s.  I also had her some “Shart Wipes” for when she goes out this weekend again with her friends to celebrate her birthday.  Oh, and you can’t forget the “Pee Pee Pads” (Poise but only 30 times more expensive because of the hilarious name and cute packaging). Since she was turning 40, you may have more unexpected farts so I had some fart pads as well.  They apparently put off a powder smell so nobody knows.  With every gift idea I shared with her, we each told a story about why that was actually probably needed at one point in our lives.  Her story included the weekend prior, her and her friends had gone out and her friend did actually shart while at the club.  Then, there was the story how they were Victoria Secret panties so she wasn’t dare going to throw her “fancy Panties ” away so she went commando the rest of the night, wrapped her panties in a towel and shoved them in her purse.  When you’re a mom of little ones lets face it…..  your kids get Monogrammed Mud Pie panties but you get the package of ten from Walmart for $6.95.  Victoria secret panties are to be cherished and only worn if you are hanging out with your girlfriends on the slight chance you may go to the bathroom together or be changing in front of another.

Men need to face it… we don’t dress for them, we don’t wear our “pretty panties” for them, nor do we wax for them. Those items are to make other women think we are taken care of and are in total control of our lives.  Of course, with good friends those things aren’t necessary and you laugh at yourself when you try to be sophisticated like them.

The point of our conversation is it is so much less embarrassing to shop online.

I promise there is a point

When I was done and went to my cart to check out,  I had 32 items in my cart.  I didn’t have to deal with the embarrassing moment at the register of realizing I spent too much and taking out items of my cart and putting them on the candy rack or going around the store empting my cart before I made it to the register.  I went through everything and decided although all the stuff I mentioned above, among many other things I had put in that I thought was “us” and would totally make her laugh, they were just that.  They would never actually be used and perhaps maybe be a good re-gift for another friend at their birthday.  So, I hesitantly deleted the unpractical stuff from my cart and only purchased the items that I knew would be used but still had “meaning” between us.

tipsy wine glasses

Every woman loves wine glasses!!  I told her when the glasses start to stand straight up, it is time to go to bed.  I am a good friend like that.  Everyone needs to know their limit.

kids wine glass

Lets face it, our children have all embarrassed us and there have been times in public we wanted to say that to the person behind us when our kids have said something inappropriate or how after dressing your four year old and making sure she was dressed to appear in public somehow does not have on panties.  Of course, you don’t realize this horrific, embarrassing moment until you’re at the playground looking like mommy of the year and your child is on the monkey bars yelling, “Mommy Mommy look at me”.  And that is when you look up to see what awesome trick your daughter is doing (that is so much more advanced since the seven year old playing with them of course) only to find them hanging upside down in their adorable little dress with matching bow and of course no panties.  To which at that moment, you grab your “Parenting” magazine( which secretly has your Kindle stuck in the middle that is opened to your Fifty Shades of Gray) and leave immediately.

wine shirt

And most importantly, if we are always wearing yoga pants then it is obvious to everyone that we are hard core women who just left the gym and are on our way to the store to pick up a gluten free, organic, fat free meal to cook for our children.

These are the kinds of gifts I like to get my friends.  Ones that are “between us” and that perhaps nobody else will understand but when they use the gifts or see them, they will immediately smile and remember one of our many stupid moments that we have had together.

Okay, back to the serious four hour conversation of making a difference in the world. 

4.  What all we’re going to do when her husband goes off to sea and how we can get my husband registered in the Navy as well so I will be on vacation too

5.  How her come on line to her husband is “Hey Baby, Want some Guacamole”.  I personally did not get this at all.  She said it is from the movie “Stepbrothers”.

stepbrothers

6.  How to get your doctor to prescribe Xanax

7. How we both have our “fancy” Workout / Yoga pants for when we are “dressing up” and going into town to get groceries or going to the mall

8.  How her last Gyno visit went…. she knew she was going so she did what every woman does…  shaved her legs, painted her toe nails, douched, etc.  She even shaved her entire “hoo hah” because that is the “in” thing right now that all the put together women do.  She felt very confident about herself.  However, while the Doctor left and gave her time to get undressed, while taking her panties off and neatly folding her panties and tucking them in her shirt (You know you do it too) she somehow had glitter in her panties.  We have all seen that e-mail forward in the 90s but never did I know anyone it happened to.  This is a moment when she wished her children were still wearing diapers so she probably would’ve had some baby wipes in her purse to clean up any evidence of being a high end stripper.  When her GNO entered the room, she immediately explained how she has no clue how glitter got anywhere around her Hoo Hah and swore she didn’t do that on purpose.  I mean, we all hope the doctor thinks we are always that well groomed right?  Then the moment comes… she spreads her legs and the procedure moves forward and you don’t make eye contact w/ the doctor anymore. She leaves you to put your clothes on and tells you to meet her in her office to discuss any concerns.  Why do they do this?  I mean, do they really think it takes the awkwardness away just because you now have on clothes?  My friend is then informed and given a lecture on how bad it is for your Hoo Hah to be shaved or waxed and how some hair down there is needed and she is subjecting herself to an infection and bacteria.  That is the thing every woman wants to hear right?  I mean, she went through all that trouble for nothing.  And, to top it off the doctor did not mention how pretty her toes were!!!

9.  Once you have children and you have your dreaded yearly exam, to some extent you get excited when it is time to schedule your appointment.  That means you get to have a pedicure!!   Some women do this on a monthly thing.  But to people like me and my sis n law, it is a rare occurrence and is limited to a special occasion or as mentioned above, your yearly visit.

10. How lucky she is to still have Gyno visits…  I am jealous of women who do because now I don’t have the excuse of getting a pedicure since I have had a hysterectomy. I also don’t have that week out of the month for a free excuse to not have to put out. Neither do I have  the freedom to pretend my Aunt Flo is hanging around longer than usual.  So next time you have your dreaded time of the month, think about the positives.

Oh, I am sorry Hun…  That Dang Aunt Flo won’t leave… Ugh!!!

By this point, it is midnight and we realize I got to ring in her 40th with her.  Of course I sing her Happy Birthday .  Did you know I was a former Rock Star?  I mean, I am the one who  taught Carrie how to sing. Here is her picture from the 2013 awards along with an excerpt from her Thank you speech in case you missed it or forgot it or did not know who she was referring to.

carrie 2

“But  Most importantly, I would like to thank my idol, Collette.  Without her, I would have never even had a goal to aim for.  One day, I will sing as well as her”

 

Of course,  Captain Vagina was very moved by my serenade.  Somehow after that we were cut off.  She text me the next a.m. and said she was so moved by my angelic serenade that her phone lost power due to the moisture from her tears.  To which I replied, “Don’t worry.  It happens all the time when I sing for my friends. ”