“When I came home 11 years ago and my ex husband was sober I knew something was wrong.
Were the Kids in trouble? Did something happen to my Grandma? Did you get fired?
All these things were running through my head. But, no, none of these tragic things were happening. In shock, I carried on with my usual habits when coming home from work. Well, the girls weren’t home so I really don’t remember what I did. I know it wasn’t cooking cause the only thing I knew how to cook at the time was hamburger helper. I am sure I probably went over to my neighbors and vented at how I didn’t know what to do since he was sober then went for my daily run. At this point, I am probably making up anything I may say that I did. I will be honest, I was a lousy wife.
Well, I didn’t cook nor make his plate. I didn’t iron his clothes nor hang on every word.
Wait………….. that is how my mom said a good wife acted. I think I was actually normal because none of my friends cook for their husbands.
Oh well, I wasn’t the best. Lets’ say that. Anyway, I remember sitting on the couch and the curiosity just took over my mouth (like always)
Why aren’t you drunk today?
Because I was looking for an apartment and I am moving out in two weeks.
Without trying to hide me jumping up and down, I say, “Well, where do you plan on sleeping until then?”.
As I am typing this I realize that was extremely rude. LOL! But, I am sorry. I am laughing. He had worn me down at this point obviously. I really am not heartless but by this point, we had had 3 cars repossessed, I had a $50 grocery budget to spend a week with two kids in elementary, I had just found out three months prior that our house was in foreclosure, and he was hiding over $800 a month and wouldn’t tell me where it was going. So, I will admit I was numb by this point and was glad he was leaving.
Two weeks came and gone. We didn’t tell the girls until right before he left. They came home from school and he sat down and told them he was going to go live somewhere else but would come visit them and he still loved them, etc. All the things you’re supposed to say basically. They were five and six. I really don’t think they understood what he was saying because they said, “okay. Love you” and went to change for gymnastics. He left.
Fast forward past all the drama
My first weekend that he had the girls was hard. I didn’t know where he was living. He wouldn’t tell me. I wanted to know where they were, etc. From the time he left to the time he had them his first weekend, I had found out a lot of information where my kids safety was a concern. Finally, he agreed he would keep them for the weekend and stay with his mother. Whew… I was relieved and could enjoy my free babysitter for the weekend.
What was I to do ??? Go out with my other new single “friend”? Go watch a chick flick?
Nope… my decision was to celebrate him leaving by getting me a bottle of wine and taking over his closet. Oh my gosh!!! I was so excited!!! We didn’t have a huge walk in closet. Our house had been built in the 60s so we had 2 small closets, his and her style. So yes!!! I turned on the radio and moved all my pants over to his side of the closet. I now had a pant and a shirt closet. I spread out my shoes and matched them up and they didn’t have to set on top of each other anymore. I was so excited. Of course, it led into color coordinating and sorting by types, etc. I obviously enjoyed the entire situation too much.
Around 9:30, my friend stopped by to check on me and brought me some wine since I hadn’t been answering my phone. She was worried thinking it had suddenly hit me my husband had left me. I am sure she pictured me in the fetal position crying in the shower or something equally humiliating. She comes into my room yelling my name searching for me. I turn around and she has a bottle of wine in her hands saying she was wondering how I was doing and was stopping by to drag me out of the house to go party with her because I shouldn’t be alone in my “condition”. Of course, as the words are coming out of her mouth I am showing her my newly expanded, color coordinated, season coordinated, and event coordinated closet. I grabbed the wine and told her I would ssssooo take that and she can stop by after she goes out if she wants to check out my new organized drawers since I now also have an extra chest of drawers.
My excitement was overwhelming to her. She laughed at me and called me Monica as she always did. Out of our friendship, she always referred to herself as “Rachel” and me and “Monica” cause I was always cleaning. This sight in front of her at that very moment just proved her theory correct. I was newly divorced, had a free babysitter for the weekend, and what was I doing??? Ecstatically cleaning my closet and drawers. She tried talking me into going out with her and bar hopping but I had no interest. That wasn’t me. So, she had a glass of wine with me and laughed at my dorkiness with me. I didn’t care. I had never had a closet that big. I was in heaven.
Fast Forward to now
I have a friend who has been divorced for a year now. However, she was separated for a year before it was final. He had cheated on her with a good friend. Not a one night stand either but had been having a full on relationship with this girl for three years right under her nose. To make things worse, their group of friends had all known about it and had been covering for the two the entire time. So, she was extremely upset. She had every right to be. She is the type of person who has the face book statuses like:
One day I will be my old self again
It is so hard to be so nice all the time
He may have broke me down but one day I will smile again
Prayers for my world breaking apart
You get the point……………..
I admit, I sometimes want to get on FB and say things like that but I won’t because I don’t want to have my phone going off 100 times with comments like, ” I am there for you. You can pull through. You are an awesome person”. etc.
If I do put something like that, my true friends will say, “You get the shovel and wine, I will dig the hole”
If my boss would stop coming around the corner, and it wasn’t so close to lunch, I would so insert Dixie Chicks Goodbye Earl here
During her first year, we would get a text from her usually about once a week. It was to me and about four other girls who are all friends. She would send a text saying how her life is so hard or why is all this happening to her, etc. Of course everyone would respond with what a great person she is and how stupid he is and she will stand again one day, etc. ALL OF WHICH I DO AGREE WITH but after about six months, I get tired of saying the same thing over to the same messages. Finally, one day I text back saying how she needed to put her big girl panties on and go get laid.
I also carried on a little more saying how she is the only person who can help herself and her still going to dinner with him or calling all their “friends” etc. is what is holding her back. She never said anything but I never got a response and her and a couple of other of the girls have gone out on their own since then. I am sure I sounded harsh and rude but Good Lord………….. I mean, if you’re having a bad day or something yes. Send a text saying You need some cheering up or something but that is all she would ever send as a group message. To this day, that is all she will send. Never has there been a text informing us about her real life. I know within the past two years, she has moved, gotten a new dog, got a new job, etc. I mean, things that are really cool and are “text worthy”.
I do have to say the past six months, she has left her whining to her FB statuses or posting quotes and scriptures. Those are okay. I mean, I can choose to ignore them but if they’re sent specifically to me in a text, you have to acknowledge them.
Last Thursday, she sent a random texts to everyone saying ” I need my girls and ya’lls opinions. I am so hurt”. She continues how her ex had just left her house had tried to kiss her and said he is thinking of asking his “new woman” to marry him but if she wants to marry him he would rather marry her. She is saying how her heart hurts and she doesn’t know if he is just saying that or if he means it and she doesn’t know if she should tell his new woman, etc. So of course, everyone responds how she is better without him and she is just too nice to and he knows that, etc. By this point, I am getting annoyed. Everyone has stuff that goes on in their lives. Two of the girls in the group text lost their father last year, I lost my mom, my daughter left me to live at Disney World, another has serious health issues that nobody else really knows about, and another is a single mom. But yet, she is still crying about her ex husband leaving her who cheated on her, still owes her money, didn’t work for five years of their marriage, etc. And, they don’t have kids together. They didn’t even own a house. She continues on how she hopes Karma will catch up to him, and he has hurt her continuously, etc.
So, I decided to respond with the same thing I did a year ago but nicer and also trying to point out to her in a nice way that other people have problems too (and she is draining us) . I responded how I have gone through hell for ten years now with the ex and I have learned that a person can either dwell on it or power through it and continue to live their life and how me losing my mom this year along with my daughter plus court battle, etc, It has been hard but you have to continue on and not dwell on the negative. I told her the best way to get back at him is to press on with her life and to stop being available to him period and he has no reason to even go to her house. She obviously missed my point of other people have bigger problems LOL! She carried on for the next couple of days how she was good to him, he hurt her, etc. Of course, my other friend stroked her ego continuously and I quit reading the texts.
I don’t understand if people do this kind of thing continuously. Is it the attention???? Then, if you’re asking for advice, don’t argue back every piece that is given to you. It annoys me when people constantly say “I miss ya’ll so much” and I suggest ways to meet or dates and they never even try to make it work.
Then again, maybe my irritation is more jealousy .. nobody is texting me how special I am and how I am beautiful on the inside and out. I am not the most confident person and actually have a lot of insecurities but I don’t want some fake repetitive “Your beautiful and special” BS that I have sought out.
P.S. I really love my friend and she is a very nice person and I can’t wait til she gets back to her old self. I do understand that people hurt in different ways. Some (me) deal with their anxiety through humor, some reach out to the world, and some become a hermit. I am a firm believer in just because someone isn’t smiling, it doesn’t mean they’re not excited on the inside and just cause someone is smiling on the outside doesn’t mean they’re not crying on the inside.
BTW… he left her house that pm and went to propose to his little girlfriend . Yep… I would be upset about losing that winner.