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Denist Vs. the Gyno — February 27, 2015

Denist Vs. the Gyno

Your gynecologist says what?

Every woman dreads going to her Yearly visit no doubt about it.  Once I had children, airing my Hoo Hah to the Gyno has become less intimidating. To me, the dentist is more stressful.  I don’t know why.  I can’t explain it.  I have even voiced my opinion to the whomever is cleaning my teeth.  I think it is because you have to face these people while they’re digging dirt from your mouth.  That is basically what they’re doing.  At the Gyno, you have your hospital dress blocking the view of what instrument he is using or any eye to eye contact.

If you didn’t actually see it happen, it didn’t happen right?

At my last cleaning, I went to a Periodontist rather than my normal dentist.  I had never even heard of a periodontist.  I am working towards getting an implant and had googled Surgical Implant Dentists and it came up.

A periodontist is a dentist who specializes in the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of periodontal disease, and in the placement of dental implants. Periodontists are also experts in the treatment of oral inflammation.

I think my most enjoyable experience about this entire experience was telling my boss I may take a longer lunch because I was going to the Periodontist.  He didn’t ask a word.  He just said, “Okay, do whatever you need to”.  I quickly realized at that moment that it was as if I was in high school and I had just told the coach I had to go to the bathroom for “girl issues”.

Before moving forward with my implant, they wanted me to get a teeth cleaning.  This was the best and worse experience at a dentist in my life.  I had my teeth cleaned with a regular dentist last year. It was the normal experience.  However, this tech was extremely thorough. I was extremely embarrassed mid way because she pointed out how some of my plaque had been there so long, my gums were receding.  She explained it to me in her sophisticated terms but my version is that after she removed the plaque that had been there for so long, she discovered I had level 4 pockets which basically means my teeth were slightly loose.

“How Embarrassing”!

“Oh, no worries. We see this all the time”!

“Whatever!!!!  I watch Untold Stories of the ER and they tell patients that all the time then run to the Nurse’s station and make fun of them!”

Before leaving, she covered my teeth with veneer and told me to leave it on for the rest of the day.  It felt disgusting.  When I brushed my teeth that night at home, I looked in the mirror and realized without the beautiful plaque I had going on, my teeth were now crooked.  I now have gaps between my teeth and constantly get food stuck between them.  I must’ve been totally disgusting!!!  Unfortunately, I have to face this girl again to complete my treatment.  I don’t know if it is the Tech that did such an awesome job or if it is just a Periodontist office if much more thorough.  My husband says he is going to go there next time for his cleaning.

Bottom line:

When you go for your yearly visit, you know in advance to get your pedicure, scrub thoroughly, landscape and do whatever else you feel is needed.  You’re confident you are clean and fresh.

At the dentist, you can’t see the nasty micro organism and plaque that they see.  You brush your teeth, floss and gargle before going in feeling confident.  Then you come out with special toothpaste for exposed roots since they removed all the plaque and now realize your teeth are really crooked!

My first Twat Shot — February 24, 2015

My first Twat Shot

When I first moved to the Big City, I use to work at a Steakhouse hidden in the corner of Sugar Land, TX.  If any of my two followers know the area, it was in the Gerlands Strip Center.  I worked as a cocktail waitress in the bar portion of the steakhouse.  It was Cheers all over again.  They would all get their at 4:00 pm and make bets on Jeopardy.  Then, the after work crowd would come and eat dinner.   Then, the Car Dealership Managers would come in and stay til midnight.  We knew their wives, their children, everything about them.  However, now that I have become “citified” am also sure it was the place to take your boyfriend or girlfriend if you were cheating.  It was dark and out of the way.  In fact, I now remember a few of our “regulars’ would show up with a new “friend” quite often.  What happened at CJ’s Stayed at CJ’s.

I am 19 working in the bar.  The bartender and I are still Best Friends to this day.  She taught me everything I know about consuming alcohol.  But, the one thing she taught me that still makes me laugh is the twat shot .  This wasn’t her favorite shot but I will say it was our most fun shot to recommend in order to make things more alive from time to time.

I remember my first time I had heard of this particular shot.  Someone had ordered a round for the bar.  Well, obviously if you clicked on the link above, you will understand this is a time consuming shot.  So, she cut lemons in half and handed out knives to all the customers at the bar.  It was like a school project.  Everyone made their own twat.  This is when I learned all about my Hoo Hah!! Some people got very descriptive.   Who Knew????

And who said drinking is not educational????

Okay, for real. Picture about 12 men all over the age of 50 and a couple of 40 plus females sitting in a circular bar cutting their lemons to look like the perfect  “Pecan”.

Of course me and the other cocktail waitress were given one as well.  I had no clue why I was carving a lemon to look like a vagina.  I just did what I was told and pretended I knew I had a labia (is that what it is called:) laughing along with everyone else.

After everyone was done, she went around and poured the Tuaca into everyone’s lemon, then followed with a sugar packet.  Once everyone was done,  everyone ate their twat.

Of  course, the men all finished first as if it was a race of who got done first….. I will keep my smart ellic comment to myself 🙂

I really wish at that time we had things like digital cameras or Facebook to post a video, or we could make a vine.  The image is still in my head and the fun we had introducing it to new comers was awesome.  I had a small New Years party this year.   I didn’t have any Tuaca so I tried to make up my own shot involving the lemon ordeal.  I thought it would be fun and help everyone loosen up.  The only liquor I had on hand was Whipped Chocolate Vodka.  I made me a twat and did the rest using the Vodka .  Yikes!!!!!  Talk about a Sour Putane!!!

For my next party, I am definitely having Twat Shots.  I want to experience everyone’s “first time” .  I can’t decided if I am going to have them on trays and offer as soon as people walk in the door or have a “Lemon carving” area set up.  I am thinking both.  I am still shocked that everytime I order this shot at a bar, I have to tell them how to make it.  I mean, men go around buying us women Blow jobs .  Why don’t us women buy the men Twat Shots?  If they clean the peel of any rind, then perhaps they might get our phone number…. 🙂

In case you didn’t click on the link above, here is the recipe I copied and pasted.

Twat Shot

Drink Type: Shooter

Ingredients

1 oz. Tuaca (more Tuaca drinks)
1 wedge(s) Lemon (more Lemon drinks)
Sugar (more Sugar drinks)

Instructions

Place lemon wedge on top of the shot glass. Cut a slit in the lemon from end to end. Squeeze ends of wedge to open slit. Pour Chilled Tuaca over lemon allowing excess to fall into shot glass below. Sprinkle sugar on top. To drink… lean over lemon wedge and put your mouth over the lemon, sucking out lemon juice Tuaca and sugar… take rest of the shot and swallow. Lots of work but worth it!
Crown Royal Truffles — February 23, 2015

Crown Royal Truffles

I love Chocolate period. It is the reason I cannot see my crotch at the moment.   I have always had thunder thighs and can live with having blisters between my legs from just a five minute walk.  Heck, I have done that since I was three.  However, the gut is really bothering me.  This has not been my year… I have turned into a lazy procastibaker.   I know I can’t blame anyone else but myself for my new waistline.  I just have no motivation. Therefore, I handle my new weight gain the only way I know how………..  eat more chocolate and drink more wine.

I will get over this slump and become the old Collette one day I promise!  But, until then, I will use the excuse “I just didn’t have time to work out cause I had to cook for my family”.  I am sure anyone would agree my entire family NEEDS truffles.  Doesn’t everyone?

One Saturday am., I was watching my Idol, the Pioneer woman.  She was making her Sea Salt Truffles.  I was totally jealous how hers was perfectly found and smooth.  I have tried cake balls before and mine turn out looking like massive hair balls that my cat has spent the past four hours choking up.  I decided I would try them and send them in care packages to my family who is in the navy along with sugar cookies, and macarons.

Last Sunday, I stayed in the kitchen the entire day making my treats.  Unfortunately, the truffles only got started.  They never got past the point of putting in the fridge the first time.  Lets face it….  sugar cookies are way more time consuming than I ever presumed before and I feel very bad for not appreciating every bite I ingested when my grandma and mother would make them.

But, back to the truffles….  As the recipe says, I put in the fridge after making the chocolate mixture.  It said to put in the fridge for 24 hours then before you were ready to make, take them out and let them get to room temperature before forming into balls.  So, since I actually worked out this week there was no time to let them have time to come to room temp AND to make the balls.  So, I left them in their bowl with a lid for the week.  Sunday am, I woke up and let them sit on the counter while I watched a lifetime movie and drank my coffee.  They were still not room temperature so I had to get another cup of coffee and watch a few episodes of Chicago PD while they “warmed up”.

Whew!!!!  These things are a lot of work!!!

Finally, they’re room temperature and I could get to work.  I formed them into balls and heated just regular chocolate bark in the microwave.  Then, I dipped the balls in the chocolate and put on a cookie sheet.  No, mine were not near as pretty as the PW but by this time it is 7 pm and I am worn out from my extensive day of making truffles.  I put some hickory salt like she did on a few of the tops but for the most part, I left them plain.  At the end, I tried to squeeze some left over pink glaze over the top but it wasn’t the effect I was going for.  Oh well.  They still taste yummy!

Here is my version

8 oz – bittersweet chocolate

8 oz – semi sweet chocolate

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 1/2 Tbsp. Crown royal

Mix all ingredients in a double broiler. Or, you can get really fancy like me and put a pyrex mixing bowl on top of a quart saucepan and stir.

Once melted, cover bowl and let set in fridge for 24 hours

Take truffle filling out and let set to room temperature.  Form into little balls.  Put back in fridge for at least an hour

Dip the balls of chocolate into your melted chocolate bark or almond bark.  Do not get too hot.  Just melted is enough.

Dip, roll, and set on waxed paper.

While wet, you can dip into sprinkles, chocolate crumbles, nuts, whatever you fancy.  You have to act quick though.  This would be great for kids.

After I finished all the balls, I still had chocolate so I dipped some strawberries in also.  You can never have too much chocolate!

You’ve never heard of a Rice Cooker? —

You’ve never heard of a Rice Cooker?

I grew up in Winnie, Texas.  Not many people have ever heard of this town.  If they have, it is all about the restaurant there, Al-T’s Steakhouse.  It is hilarious to me because I see all my friends checking in there every time they go past Winnie on the way to Louisiana or on the way home.  It is a Tourist destination.  However, I want to tell them how people from Winnie do not go there.  The food is disgusting!  Well, their breakfast is pretty good but other than that, their food does not compare to any of the coon-ass families I grew up eating dinner with.

I have people over quite often for dinner.  Several weeks ago, I was making gumbo and had my rice cooker out.  Everyone was asking what it was.  When Jordan has friends over, they always ask what that big white thing is.  Even she is shocked!  I have to pat myself on the back.  Since leaving Winnie, I do not eat near as much rice as the normal Winnie person does but I could not live without my rice cooker.

Last week, I went to visit my Winnie friends.  While I was getting me some rice for my Etoufee out of the second full rice cooker, I told my story how people in Pearland have never seen a rice cooker.  We all laugh and they remind me I was born in Rice county where Rice is a food group.

Since I have learned to cook, I have invested in numerous small electronics.  Some are amazing.  Some, like the Rice cooker, I could not live without.  You can cook an entire meal in the rice cooker.  It has a steaming tray on top with holes.

For instance, last night, I was making my rice to side with my gumbo.  In the top tray, I seasoned some fish and fresh broccoli.  While the rice was stealing I was also cooking my lunch for today.  I have also made Quinoa in it.  I have no idea why this is not on the counter of every home.  I had a friend who never cooks and finally did her first meal in six years the other day.  She was so proud of herself.  She said she bought herself a steamer and it made things so easy.  After describing it to me, I said, “oh you bought a rice cooker?”

Grab your balls and go — February 8, 2015

Grab your balls and go

 

I use to be a good wife / mom and wake up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and make breakfast for the girls and Greg.  After about 2 years, I got tired of coming home from work at least three days a week to find Greg’s wrapped breakfast still sitting on the counter.  And of course, all the dirty dishes I would dirty making their breakfast would still be on top of the oven with the (now bad) leftovers in the pot.

Now, I wake up at 7:00 a.m. and I am out the door at 7:23 a.m. If they want breakfast or lunch it is in the fridge and they can wake up ten minutes earlier to make it if they want it.  I mean, they’re all still asleep when I leave in the am and home when I get home.  Therefore, they are perfectly capable of making their own breakfast or heating up left overs right?

Yesterday, Greg was complaining how he spent $30 on breakfast every am.  Of course, my blood pressure raised immediately since I feel he is perfectly able to wake up and make his own breakfast.  Ugh!!!!  This am, I saw the episode of Trisha Yearwood cooking for her nephews.  She had made these peanut butter protein balls. So, I decided to go and get everything to make them for quick grab and go breakfasts this a.m. Of course, I changed hers up a bit in hopes that Jordan may grab and go as well.

Here is my version

4 Cups regular Old fashioned Oats (not one minute)

2 Cups extra crunch peanut butter

1 Cup raw honey

1 Cup of chocolate chunks

1 pkg of Craisins

1 pkg of yogurt covered raisins

3 Tablespoons of flaxseed

I put the oatmeal, PB, and flaxseed in the food processor first.  Then I added the honey.  The processor wasn’t sounding very happy so I decided to quit before I overloaded it and dumped everything in a bowl.  I mixed everything else and it is now in the fridge.

20150207_203605            20150207_203407           20150207_203218

According to Trish’s recipe, you roll them in balls after 30 min.  and then place on waxed paper and store in the fridge.  I haven’t gotten that far.  I still have them in the big bowl. I plan on rolling them tomorrow.  Of course, I have busted Greg going in several times and grabbling handfuls of dough.  I be damned if he eats it all before tomorrow and has nothing for the week.

 

Tooth or Walk funny? —

Tooth or Walk funny?

About three years ago, the inevitable happened…. my fake too fell out.  The main problem with this???  My husband who says he isn’t worried what others think at all (but totally is) had no clue I even had a fake tooth.  Crap!!!  Well, for better or worse right?

How do I break the news?? With humor of course.  I came down stairs with the biggest smile and said, “Congratulations!!!  You married this sexy beast”.  He asked what the hell I was talking about so I broke the news saying I had had a bridge since I was about 22.  In all honestly, I had forgotten about it.  It just fell out one day.  So, he googled immediately what I could get to get the tooth back in until I could get to the dentist.  We run down to Walgreens and buy some kind of cement. I forgot. I know it really didn’t work well because I remember a few days later, I was brushing my teeth and my tooth fell out again and went down the drain.  Crap!!!!  And, of course, with my reigning luck that I have, I was on my way to an interview.  So, I took the sink apart and got my tooth and applied the cement and arrived with my tooth in right on time!!!

Should I beg and tell this lady about my dramatic experience and what it took to get here looking presentable?

Afterwards, I made an appointment with my dentist. He is a hottie may I add.  All the girls love him.  Yes, I said girls meaning my daughter and her friends.  That is how I found him.  When I was looking for a local dentist, all their friends would say, “Oh, go to Dr. Patton. He is hot”.  So, of course you have to go to the hot dentist right?  I mean, I personally think going to the dentist is worse than going to the gyno.  Just sayen!

Ever since I pulled my braces off back when I was 19 (before remembering they had pulled my tooth so I had a fake one), I had wanted a screw in tooth.  So, the hot dentist says to get it all started we would make me a flipper to wear while I was going through the fake tooth process.  Yay!!!  We are getting started on it. I will be a real girl again!!

Of course, they have to make the mold… that is the worse thing!!!  I mean, this may sound totally nasty but hello…  it reminds of … well, ladies…..  you know… “the deed” your man so much loves.  The ooze just leaks back into the dark side of your throat.  All the while he is saying, “Not much longer. Almost there”.  Finally, he pulls it out (the mold thingy) and I reveal to him how I would much rather make a visit to the Gyno rather than having make a visit to him… hot or not.  I didn’t say the hot part I promise. I do have some cooth.

Anyway, three days later, I have my flipper.  Then the doc breaks the news of the price.  Well, yea, that isn’t going to happen.  But, I have a tooth.  My husband said we would put it on the cc if it was important but I said we would wait. I lived without it for 35 plus year, why get all fancy now?

Last week I forgot my tooth at home.  I have done this numerous times but I usually have time to come back home and get my tooth.  Well, I was already going to be about five min. late.  So, I text Greg and Jordan asking one of them to bring my tooth.

Doesn’t everyone get that same text from time to time?

So, Greg responds back saying okay.  I told him to bring me a coffee so I wouldn’t have to explain why he was showing up at my work.

Hahahah… wasn’t that a good trick to get starbucks delivered to my work??? I am a total genius I know 🙂

He shows up with my flipper in a ziplock bag and hands me my coffee and leaves.  I think he was more embarrassed than me I swear.  The next day he text saying for me to go get a tooth. He didn’t care about the cost. It was ridiculous.  So, I made an appointment with a periodontist.  I had no clue there was such a thing!!!  She isn’t a hottie like my dentist but in all honesty, I would rather a woman see me toothless than a man.  And, I think they’re more sympathetic as well.

So we are on our way to get me a tooth. It will be approximately $2000 that we don’t have but it is very humiliating when I have a few drinks at friends houses and take my teeth out.  Then the next am I am scurrying around looking for it.

True Story:

A couple of years ago, my sis n law comes into town from Virginia.  Me and her got a room with her three kids.  My mom and Step father had a room next door.  Well, her and I had a good ol’ time …  Jordan was staying with the kids.  We had three bottles of wine and realized it was 1:45.  Crap!!! We have to have our patron. So, we go to the bar which was already closed.  It was honestly a blessing in disguise because we proceeded to cruise around the hotel and taking any picture that crossed our mind.  This hotel was pretty fancy too.  I  remember hiding from employees from time to time.

The next am, we woke up at 9:30.  Jordan had already left and it was me and Shonnie with the kids. I was asleep on the floor.  We had to hurry and get everyone ready before check out.  She was getting the kids dressed and we were discussing why Jordan wasn’t there. She said Jordan had to go to work but she had woke me up before she left and I had given her money.  We were talking about how our head hurt and how stupid we were.  Of course she has no clue I have no tooth.  I laughed about something and she saw my big gap…  I immediately saw her facial expression and before she could say anything, I said, “Oh crap where is my tooth”.  So all of us are looking under the covers, beds, everywhere and suddenly she says, “Crap!!! Is there a Lion in the bathroom”.  Of course, we hysterically laugh and she says, ” I can’t believe we stood and posed in the fountain and took pictures.”.  I didn’t remember that at all. We both grab our phones and they’re both dead of course.  We hurry and load the kids up and get in the car as soon as possible to charge our phones and to see any reasons we may have extra charges put on the bill.  When we finally get the phones on and are able to look at the pictures we discover:

We had gotten in the fountain and were posing spitting out water like the other figures

Played the piano and videoed it in the entry way

cussed at the big parrot

Laid on top of a jaguar in my pajamas TRYING to look all sexy like a calendar girl

gotten behind the registration booth and pretended to work there

All this in the San Luis hotel on the seawall in our pajamas and of course un-matching socks.  We are a couple of trophy moms I tell ya !

Okay, back to the story….

Anyway, while I am on a doctor streak this week, I decided to go to a neurologist also because my feet are going numb while I run.  I have been just ignoring it because quite frankly I love to eat and I really don’t want to go to jail for killing people.  The Dr. says I more than likely have a slipped disc but that requires an MRI.  So, I scheduled that.  Yay!!!!  This year may be my year………… my hip pain may finally subside and I will have a tooth.  Holy Crap!!!!  I will be a total 5 now!!!

Friday, the imaging people call me and say the MRI is going to be 1200.  Knowing we don’t have the money for it, I cancelled the appointment.  When I came home, I was griping how insurance wouldn’t cover the MRI. I mean, it is preventive care!!!  So, they’ll pay for me to have a surgery but won’t pay to see if there is something that can be done prior????   Him, being the very supportive husband he is replies, “Well, if you want to be able to run, we can skip your teeth. You have a choice…… you can have a tooth or you can walk funny.”

I put on my shoes and went for a run……….  I figure I will just keep running til I need a surgery then insurance can pay for it then.  But, I will have my tooth in a year and I will look cute when I fall.   As it is, if I don’t run I will not be looking cute in prison for killing people since I couldn’t  run to relieve stress.  I say the tooth is priority!