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No Theme Required – Just Whatever comes up in my Brain

Leave the gym more stressed than when I came to relieve stress — March 18, 2015

Leave the gym more stressed than when I came to relieve stress

I have finally came to the realization that I am old and jogging isn’t cutting it now that I am forty.  I joined a new gym and just don’t like it.  But, it is saving me $50 a month so I finally told myself “Suck it up Buttercup”.  I was a member at the YMCA for ten years.  I knew where everything was and I was able to talk to people if I felt like it or I could go into the weight room and be left alone if I wanted.

At the YMCA, I did get on the Zumba kick I admit.

Seriously, what mom would not take the opportunity to embarrass their teen daughters by pumping 100 times in class?

I have taken 2 Zumba classes at the “New” (been a member for 6 months now, gone 4 times) gym.  I don’t like it.

1.  Everyone claps and cheers after each song like they accomplished something and raise their hands up and goes “WOO”

2. The instructor is doing more of a dance routine vs. throwing in some squats, etc.

3.  This really big lady conveniently is always in front of me and I can’t see the instructor

4. I understand Zumba is supposed to be 60%  Spanish music but Gosh dangit give me my 40% of music I understand.  And, technically Enrique and Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez are considered Spanish Artists so play them in the 60%.  By Spanish it does not have to be Tejano.  I want to understand what I am pumping to.

5.  One Salsa song is enough and even that is pushing it

Whew! I feel better now.  Now what is the point of this blog?  Oh yea, I left the gym more annoyed than when I got there.

Anyway, I saw on the schedule they had a Dance Cardio class.  I figured it would be a “white version” of Zumba so I went.  I was a couple of minutes late and there was only 5 people in the class.

That should have told me something there.

The instructor was about 275 to 300 pds and she was in her fifties at least.  I figured Kudos to her and Hey, you never know…. she may have lost a lot of weight already and is in good shape.  They were marching in place but it was just a warm up right????

Wrong!!!!

The instructor then added high knees, one, one, two, one, one, two.

Oh wow….  they haven’t cleaned the ac vents in awhile *bored to death looking around the room*

I decided to make the most out of the workout by doing the hop / jump with the knee thing trying to get the most out of this Senior citizen work out class.  Then the instructor says “PLease do not over extend yourself if you are new to the class” casually while she is breathing hard lifting her knees in a motherly whiney voice.  Finally, the song WITH NO WORDS is over and she plays another song with no words!!!!  I am wanting to leave by this point but I decide that is rude and she is older.  I need to show respect.  I go get some weights and figure while I am lifting my arms I could get a couple of toning things in.

I need to start lifting weights anyway

I come back with the weights and she says to the class, ” Be careful if you are using weights they may fly and hit someone. We are working out hard today”  in her Mom voice again.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I left

I decide I will do the elliptical for an hour.  I go into the gym and get everything situated on the machine….  got my ear things in, phone situated, water bottle in the holder, etc.   I Get started and the TV doesn’t work! I decide to go to another gathering all my things,  this time making sure the TV works first before getting situated again.  Yay!!!!  I found one.  After getting all situated again, machine doesn’t work!!! Finally, I find the fourth machine where everything works and it is going good.  Of course TV is so boring at 6:00 PM .  I decide to watch OITNB on my kindle.  Guess what!!! The WiFi doesn’t work.

Screw this crap!!!

I decide that this is not working for me.  No wonder I run (So I won’t kill random people) ! I decide to go to the weight side of the room and hang with the big boys.

 The following occurs:

The pin is stuck on the outer and inner thigh machine on 60 pds

The outer hip reduction machine made a sliding noise… I got up after one set of those and went to another machine

Not one person wiped down their machines after using theirs

I did four machines while this little teenager was on one machine, texting between each set.  I guess the fact that she was doing an entire two pounds does prove she deserves  the five minute break between reps.

After five minutes of trying to figure out what was wrong with the tri-cep machine,  I realized someone had locked the very last weight  meaning it was set for like 300 pounds.

I do have to admit, that was pretty slick you bratty teenage boy

The gym floor is tile and only one mat to do stomach exercises…..  who designed this place?

I head to my car and realize I forgot my keys somewhere in the gym so I head back.  Looking in every elliptical machine, I finally find my keys and spin to get off the pedal only to trip and stumble several steps.   Of course, I start laughing at myself cause I am such a dork.  I look around to see who all is laughing at me so I can laugh with them ….  not one person even made eye contact with me!!!  Even more humiliated that I was still laughing at myself, I grabbed my water and keys that I had dropped when I fell and headed out.  I get in the car and realize I am more stressed then when I arrived so I  text my friend saying to have a Jack and Coke ready for me at her house in five minutes.

I really feel as though City of Pearland should hire me as the manager because every time I have gone, I have never seen anyone over the age of 20.  I would do the following:

Hire a maintenance man for the Rec center so the machines would be working and clean the place up

Make sure all TVs work

If something is broken, put a sign on the machine

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Fix the dang Wi-Fi so we can watch shows on our personal tablets

Have a manager at the gym after 5:00 pm to answer membership questions or assist the teens if they have a situation instead of all looking at each other and saying “I have no clue” constantly

If a class is Easy or Advanced, put it on the schedule so people know what to expect

Would not allow the Zumba instructors to play all Tejano music and make them play some black and 80s music instead

Have a rule of ten minutes max on machines

Have a lot more mats so people can do floor work if needed

Have cameras taking random pictures of people who don’t wipe off the equipment after use so they can instantly be put into a slide show that is playing on a huge screen for everyone to see

Each member would have their own log in number for the cardio machines.  When they get on, they enter their four numbers and immediately their shows that they had programmed to record through the gym member’s website would immediately play so you wouldn’t have any commercials

Have Netflix and Hulu capability

No gray workout pants allowed

No White workout pants allowed as well

I

Denist Vs. the Gyno — February 27, 2015

Denist Vs. the Gyno

Your gynecologist says what?

Every woman dreads going to her Yearly visit no doubt about it.  Once I had children, airing my Hoo Hah to the Gyno has become less intimidating. To me, the dentist is more stressful.  I don’t know why.  I can’t explain it.  I have even voiced my opinion to the whomever is cleaning my teeth.  I think it is because you have to face these people while they’re digging dirt from your mouth.  That is basically what they’re doing.  At the Gyno, you have your hospital dress blocking the view of what instrument he is using or any eye to eye contact.

If you didn’t actually see it happen, it didn’t happen right?

At my last cleaning, I went to a Periodontist rather than my normal dentist.  I had never even heard of a periodontist.  I am working towards getting an implant and had googled Surgical Implant Dentists and it came up.

A periodontist is a dentist who specializes in the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of periodontal disease, and in the placement of dental implants. Periodontists are also experts in the treatment of oral inflammation.

I think my most enjoyable experience about this entire experience was telling my boss I may take a longer lunch because I was going to the Periodontist.  He didn’t ask a word.  He just said, “Okay, do whatever you need to”.  I quickly realized at that moment that it was as if I was in high school and I had just told the coach I had to go to the bathroom for “girl issues”.

Before moving forward with my implant, they wanted me to get a teeth cleaning.  This was the best and worse experience at a dentist in my life.  I had my teeth cleaned with a regular dentist last year. It was the normal experience.  However, this tech was extremely thorough. I was extremely embarrassed mid way because she pointed out how some of my plaque had been there so long, my gums were receding.  She explained it to me in her sophisticated terms but my version is that after she removed the plaque that had been there for so long, she discovered I had level 4 pockets which basically means my teeth were slightly loose.

“How Embarrassing”!

“Oh, no worries. We see this all the time”!

“Whatever!!!!  I watch Untold Stories of the ER and they tell patients that all the time then run to the Nurse’s station and make fun of them!”

Before leaving, she covered my teeth with veneer and told me to leave it on for the rest of the day.  It felt disgusting.  When I brushed my teeth that night at home, I looked in the mirror and realized without the beautiful plaque I had going on, my teeth were now crooked.  I now have gaps between my teeth and constantly get food stuck between them.  I must’ve been totally disgusting!!!  Unfortunately, I have to face this girl again to complete my treatment.  I don’t know if it is the Tech that did such an awesome job or if it is just a Periodontist office if much more thorough.  My husband says he is going to go there next time for his cleaning.

Bottom line:

When you go for your yearly visit, you know in advance to get your pedicure, scrub thoroughly, landscape and do whatever else you feel is needed.  You’re confident you are clean and fresh.

At the dentist, you can’t see the nasty micro organism and plaque that they see.  You brush your teeth, floss and gargle before going in feeling confident.  Then you come out with special toothpaste for exposed roots since they removed all the plaque and now realize your teeth are really crooked!

My first Twat Shot — February 24, 2015

My first Twat Shot

When I first moved to the Big City, I use to work at a Steakhouse hidden in the corner of Sugar Land, TX.  If any of my two followers know the area, it was in the Gerlands Strip Center.  I worked as a cocktail waitress in the bar portion of the steakhouse.  It was Cheers all over again.  They would all get their at 4:00 pm and make bets on Jeopardy.  Then, the after work crowd would come and eat dinner.   Then, the Car Dealership Managers would come in and stay til midnight.  We knew their wives, their children, everything about them.  However, now that I have become “citified” am also sure it was the place to take your boyfriend or girlfriend if you were cheating.  It was dark and out of the way.  In fact, I now remember a few of our “regulars’ would show up with a new “friend” quite often.  What happened at CJ’s Stayed at CJ’s.

I am 19 working in the bar.  The bartender and I are still Best Friends to this day.  She taught me everything I know about consuming alcohol.  But, the one thing she taught me that still makes me laugh is the twat shot .  This wasn’t her favorite shot but I will say it was our most fun shot to recommend in order to make things more alive from time to time.

I remember my first time I had heard of this particular shot.  Someone had ordered a round for the bar.  Well, obviously if you clicked on the link above, you will understand this is a time consuming shot.  So, she cut lemons in half and handed out knives to all the customers at the bar.  It was like a school project.  Everyone made their own twat.  This is when I learned all about my Hoo Hah!! Some people got very descriptive.   Who Knew????

And who said drinking is not educational????

Okay, for real. Picture about 12 men all over the age of 50 and a couple of 40 plus females sitting in a circular bar cutting their lemons to look like the perfect  “Pecan”.

Of course me and the other cocktail waitress were given one as well.  I had no clue why I was carving a lemon to look like a vagina.  I just did what I was told and pretended I knew I had a labia (is that what it is called:) laughing along with everyone else.

After everyone was done, she went around and poured the Tuaca into everyone’s lemon, then followed with a sugar packet.  Once everyone was done,  everyone ate their twat.

Of  course, the men all finished first as if it was a race of who got done first….. I will keep my smart ellic comment to myself 🙂

I really wish at that time we had things like digital cameras or Facebook to post a video, or we could make a vine.  The image is still in my head and the fun we had introducing it to new comers was awesome.  I had a small New Years party this year.   I didn’t have any Tuaca so I tried to make up my own shot involving the lemon ordeal.  I thought it would be fun and help everyone loosen up.  The only liquor I had on hand was Whipped Chocolate Vodka.  I made me a twat and did the rest using the Vodka .  Yikes!!!!!  Talk about a Sour Putane!!!

For my next party, I am definitely having Twat Shots.  I want to experience everyone’s “first time” .  I can’t decided if I am going to have them on trays and offer as soon as people walk in the door or have a “Lemon carving” area set up.  I am thinking both.  I am still shocked that everytime I order this shot at a bar, I have to tell them how to make it.  I mean, men go around buying us women Blow jobs .  Why don’t us women buy the men Twat Shots?  If they clean the peel of any rind, then perhaps they might get our phone number…. 🙂

In case you didn’t click on the link above, here is the recipe I copied and pasted.

Twat Shot

Drink Type: Shooter

Ingredients

1 oz. Tuaca (more Tuaca drinks)
1 wedge(s) Lemon (more Lemon drinks)
Sugar (more Sugar drinks)

Instructions

Place lemon wedge on top of the shot glass. Cut a slit in the lemon from end to end. Squeeze ends of wedge to open slit. Pour Chilled Tuaca over lemon allowing excess to fall into shot glass below. Sprinkle sugar on top. To drink… lean over lemon wedge and put your mouth over the lemon, sucking out lemon juice Tuaca and sugar… take rest of the shot and swallow. Lots of work but worth it!
Grab your balls and go — February 8, 2015

Grab your balls and go

 

I use to be a good wife / mom and wake up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and make breakfast for the girls and Greg.  After about 2 years, I got tired of coming home from work at least three days a week to find Greg’s wrapped breakfast still sitting on the counter.  And of course, all the dirty dishes I would dirty making their breakfast would still be on top of the oven with the (now bad) leftovers in the pot.

Now, I wake up at 7:00 a.m. and I am out the door at 7:23 a.m. If they want breakfast or lunch it is in the fridge and they can wake up ten minutes earlier to make it if they want it.  I mean, they’re all still asleep when I leave in the am and home when I get home.  Therefore, they are perfectly capable of making their own breakfast or heating up left overs right?

Yesterday, Greg was complaining how he spent $30 on breakfast every am.  Of course, my blood pressure raised immediately since I feel he is perfectly able to wake up and make his own breakfast.  Ugh!!!!  This am, I saw the episode of Trisha Yearwood cooking for her nephews.  She had made these peanut butter protein balls. So, I decided to go and get everything to make them for quick grab and go breakfasts this a.m. Of course, I changed hers up a bit in hopes that Jordan may grab and go as well.

Here is my version

4 Cups regular Old fashioned Oats (not one minute)

2 Cups extra crunch peanut butter

1 Cup raw honey

1 Cup of chocolate chunks

1 pkg of Craisins

1 pkg of yogurt covered raisins

3 Tablespoons of flaxseed

I put the oatmeal, PB, and flaxseed in the food processor first.  Then I added the honey.  The processor wasn’t sounding very happy so I decided to quit before I overloaded it and dumped everything in a bowl.  I mixed everything else and it is now in the fridge.

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According to Trish’s recipe, you roll them in balls after 30 min.  and then place on waxed paper and store in the fridge.  I haven’t gotten that far.  I still have them in the big bowl. I plan on rolling them tomorrow.  Of course, I have busted Greg going in several times and grabbling handfuls of dough.  I be damned if he eats it all before tomorrow and has nothing for the week.

 

Tooth or Walk funny? —

Tooth or Walk funny?

About three years ago, the inevitable happened…. my fake too fell out.  The main problem with this???  My husband who says he isn’t worried what others think at all (but totally is) had no clue I even had a fake tooth.  Crap!!!  Well, for better or worse right?

How do I break the news?? With humor of course.  I came down stairs with the biggest smile and said, “Congratulations!!!  You married this sexy beast”.  He asked what the hell I was talking about so I broke the news saying I had had a bridge since I was about 22.  In all honestly, I had forgotten about it.  It just fell out one day.  So, he googled immediately what I could get to get the tooth back in until I could get to the dentist.  We run down to Walgreens and buy some kind of cement. I forgot. I know it really didn’t work well because I remember a few days later, I was brushing my teeth and my tooth fell out again and went down the drain.  Crap!!!!  And, of course, with my reigning luck that I have, I was on my way to an interview.  So, I took the sink apart and got my tooth and applied the cement and arrived with my tooth in right on time!!!

Should I beg and tell this lady about my dramatic experience and what it took to get here looking presentable?

Afterwards, I made an appointment with my dentist. He is a hottie may I add.  All the girls love him.  Yes, I said girls meaning my daughter and her friends.  That is how I found him.  When I was looking for a local dentist, all their friends would say, “Oh, go to Dr. Patton. He is hot”.  So, of course you have to go to the hot dentist right?  I mean, I personally think going to the dentist is worse than going to the gyno.  Just sayen!

Ever since I pulled my braces off back when I was 19 (before remembering they had pulled my tooth so I had a fake one), I had wanted a screw in tooth.  So, the hot dentist says to get it all started we would make me a flipper to wear while I was going through the fake tooth process.  Yay!!!  We are getting started on it. I will be a real girl again!!

Of course, they have to make the mold… that is the worse thing!!!  I mean, this may sound totally nasty but hello…  it reminds of … well, ladies…..  you know… “the deed” your man so much loves.  The ooze just leaks back into the dark side of your throat.  All the while he is saying, “Not much longer. Almost there”.  Finally, he pulls it out (the mold thingy) and I reveal to him how I would much rather make a visit to the Gyno rather than having make a visit to him… hot or not.  I didn’t say the hot part I promise. I do have some cooth.

Anyway, three days later, I have my flipper.  Then the doc breaks the news of the price.  Well, yea, that isn’t going to happen.  But, I have a tooth.  My husband said we would put it on the cc if it was important but I said we would wait. I lived without it for 35 plus year, why get all fancy now?

Last week I forgot my tooth at home.  I have done this numerous times but I usually have time to come back home and get my tooth.  Well, I was already going to be about five min. late.  So, I text Greg and Jordan asking one of them to bring my tooth.

Doesn’t everyone get that same text from time to time?

So, Greg responds back saying okay.  I told him to bring me a coffee so I wouldn’t have to explain why he was showing up at my work.

Hahahah… wasn’t that a good trick to get starbucks delivered to my work??? I am a total genius I know 🙂

He shows up with my flipper in a ziplock bag and hands me my coffee and leaves.  I think he was more embarrassed than me I swear.  The next day he text saying for me to go get a tooth. He didn’t care about the cost. It was ridiculous.  So, I made an appointment with a periodontist.  I had no clue there was such a thing!!!  She isn’t a hottie like my dentist but in all honesty, I would rather a woman see me toothless than a man.  And, I think they’re more sympathetic as well.

So we are on our way to get me a tooth. It will be approximately $2000 that we don’t have but it is very humiliating when I have a few drinks at friends houses and take my teeth out.  Then the next am I am scurrying around looking for it.

True Story:

A couple of years ago, my sis n law comes into town from Virginia.  Me and her got a room with her three kids.  My mom and Step father had a room next door.  Well, her and I had a good ol’ time …  Jordan was staying with the kids.  We had three bottles of wine and realized it was 1:45.  Crap!!! We have to have our patron. So, we go to the bar which was already closed.  It was honestly a blessing in disguise because we proceeded to cruise around the hotel and taking any picture that crossed our mind.  This hotel was pretty fancy too.  I  remember hiding from employees from time to time.

The next am, we woke up at 9:30.  Jordan had already left and it was me and Shonnie with the kids. I was asleep on the floor.  We had to hurry and get everyone ready before check out.  She was getting the kids dressed and we were discussing why Jordan wasn’t there. She said Jordan had to go to work but she had woke me up before she left and I had given her money.  We were talking about how our head hurt and how stupid we were.  Of course she has no clue I have no tooth.  I laughed about something and she saw my big gap…  I immediately saw her facial expression and before she could say anything, I said, “Oh crap where is my tooth”.  So all of us are looking under the covers, beds, everywhere and suddenly she says, “Crap!!! Is there a Lion in the bathroom”.  Of course, we hysterically laugh and she says, ” I can’t believe we stood and posed in the fountain and took pictures.”.  I didn’t remember that at all. We both grab our phones and they’re both dead of course.  We hurry and load the kids up and get in the car as soon as possible to charge our phones and to see any reasons we may have extra charges put on the bill.  When we finally get the phones on and are able to look at the pictures we discover:

We had gotten in the fountain and were posing spitting out water like the other figures

Played the piano and videoed it in the entry way

cussed at the big parrot

Laid on top of a jaguar in my pajamas TRYING to look all sexy like a calendar girl

gotten behind the registration booth and pretended to work there

All this in the San Luis hotel on the seawall in our pajamas and of course un-matching socks.  We are a couple of trophy moms I tell ya !

Okay, back to the story….

Anyway, while I am on a doctor streak this week, I decided to go to a neurologist also because my feet are going numb while I run.  I have been just ignoring it because quite frankly I love to eat and I really don’t want to go to jail for killing people.  The Dr. says I more than likely have a slipped disc but that requires an MRI.  So, I scheduled that.  Yay!!!!  This year may be my year………… my hip pain may finally subside and I will have a tooth.  Holy Crap!!!!  I will be a total 5 now!!!

Friday, the imaging people call me and say the MRI is going to be 1200.  Knowing we don’t have the money for it, I cancelled the appointment.  When I came home, I was griping how insurance wouldn’t cover the MRI. I mean, it is preventive care!!!  So, they’ll pay for me to have a surgery but won’t pay to see if there is something that can be done prior????   Him, being the very supportive husband he is replies, “Well, if you want to be able to run, we can skip your teeth. You have a choice…… you can have a tooth or you can walk funny.”

I put on my shoes and went for a run……….  I figure I will just keep running til I need a surgery then insurance can pay for it then.  But, I will have my tooth in a year and I will look cute when I fall.   As it is, if I don’t run I will not be looking cute in prison for killing people since I couldn’t  run to relieve stress.  I say the tooth is priority!

Intellectual Conversations Between Girlfriends — January 23, 2015

Intellectual Conversations Between Girlfriends

”  Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my mom dying. She had died in her sleep 2 hours after I had been on the phone with her planning my daughters grad party the night before.  That is how sudden it was.  I am not saying losing a parent or loved one is ever easy but I do think if they were sick prior or something like that you have time to prepare yourself mentally.  At least that is how it happened for me.  My grandmas were my saving grace growing up.  I was extremely close with them but they were sick and going “downhill” for several years prior so it wasn’t as hard as losing my mom has been.

Okay, the prequel is depressing and not what my story is really about I promise.

Since the night prior to my mom’s passing, to distract me I had scheduled a date with my sis n law for 8:00 pm to distract me from thinking and replaying my mom and I’s last conversation over and over in my head.  My husband and I had gone out to eat and had a few beers.  After eating, he had stopped and gotten two bottles of wine for me to sit on the back porch for me and me to have my “date” of conversation about absolutely nothing! Fifteen minutes later I am stressing. She lives in Virginia and has children to put to bed so it was 8:20 before she was able to call.

Don’t you hate it when your children interfere with your social life?  I mean, they need to learn we have priorities.

It was killing me.  My husband won’t admit it but I am quite sure he is as much thankful for my phone dates I have with my girlfriends as well.  He doesn’t have to sit and listen and try to dissect the exceptionally profound conversations us women have.  He certainly does not appreciate our perception of what is important. That is for sure. He is not a talker and has no social life.  I needed distraction fast!!!!

OMG!!!  He is on his second glass.  He is fixing to start talking.  Great!!!  I will hear about the latest printer he worked on or his ninja fighting stuff.  God I wish he would get guy friends and get a hobby and talk about the important things going on in the world like me and my friends do.  Please hurry and call Captain Vagina before he gets on a roll. 

Finally, she calls and we discuss the major events of the world going on for the next 2 hours.

Warning:  The next portion of this blog is very intellectual and serious issues going on in the world.  You may need a dictionary or thesaurus to interpret the extreme diversity of our conversation.

1. She was turning 40 at midnight.  I had bought a new wine glass for my date with her that said “40 is Sexy”

2.My story of spending six hours on Amazon trying to find her the perfect gift. I had $250 of gifts that I thought were great, useful or totally useless but would make her smile because only her or I would understand it.  For instance, my brother is a Captain in the navy so he is “important”.  Since she is a C.O.W. she is required to host one fancy party a year.  She was telling me how she gets so  that she wants to bang her head against the wall and drool on herself. So, I had put her a square Pad in my shopping cart so that she could gracefully bang her head against the wall during these ever so awful situations and still look cute with her hair fixed.  Perhaps I would sew a pocket on the bottom as well so she could re-apply her lip gloss after to look as beautiful and sophisticated as the other polished C.O.W.s.  I also had her some “Shart Wipes” for when she goes out this weekend again with her friends to celebrate her birthday.  Oh, and you can’t forget the “Pee Pee Pads” (Poise but only 30 times more expensive because of the hilarious name and cute packaging). Since she was turning 40, you may have more unexpected farts so I had some fart pads as well.  They apparently put off a powder smell so nobody knows.  With every gift idea I shared with her, we each told a story about why that was actually probably needed at one point in our lives.  Her story included the weekend prior, her and her friends had gone out and her friend did actually shart while at the club.  Then, there was the story how they were Victoria Secret panties so she wasn’t dare going to throw her “fancy Panties ” away so she went commando the rest of the night, wrapped her panties in a towel and shoved them in her purse.  When you’re a mom of little ones lets face it…..  your kids get Monogrammed Mud Pie panties but you get the package of ten from Walmart for $6.95.  Victoria secret panties are to be cherished and only worn if you are hanging out with your girlfriends on the slight chance you may go to the bathroom together or be changing in front of another.

Men need to face it… we don’t dress for them, we don’t wear our “pretty panties” for them, nor do we wax for them. Those items are to make other women think we are taken care of and are in total control of our lives.  Of course, with good friends those things aren’t necessary and you laugh at yourself when you try to be sophisticated like them.

The point of our conversation is it is so much less embarrassing to shop online.

I promise there is a point

When I was done and went to my cart to check out,  I had 32 items in my cart.  I didn’t have to deal with the embarrassing moment at the register of realizing I spent too much and taking out items of my cart and putting them on the candy rack or going around the store empting my cart before I made it to the register.  I went through everything and decided although all the stuff I mentioned above, among many other things I had put in that I thought was “us” and would totally make her laugh, they were just that.  They would never actually be used and perhaps maybe be a good re-gift for another friend at their birthday.  So, I hesitantly deleted the unpractical stuff from my cart and only purchased the items that I knew would be used but still had “meaning” between us.

tipsy wine glasses

Every woman loves wine glasses!!  I told her when the glasses start to stand straight up, it is time to go to bed.  I am a good friend like that.  Everyone needs to know their limit.

kids wine glass

Lets face it, our children have all embarrassed us and there have been times in public we wanted to say that to the person behind us when our kids have said something inappropriate or how after dressing your four year old and making sure she was dressed to appear in public somehow does not have on panties.  Of course, you don’t realize this horrific, embarrassing moment until you’re at the playground looking like mommy of the year and your child is on the monkey bars yelling, “Mommy Mommy look at me”.  And that is when you look up to see what awesome trick your daughter is doing (that is so much more advanced since the seven year old playing with them of course) only to find them hanging upside down in their adorable little dress with matching bow and of course no panties.  To which at that moment, you grab your “Parenting” magazine( which secretly has your Kindle stuck in the middle that is opened to your Fifty Shades of Gray) and leave immediately.

wine shirt

And most importantly, if we are always wearing yoga pants then it is obvious to everyone that we are hard core women who just left the gym and are on our way to the store to pick up a gluten free, organic, fat free meal to cook for our children.

These are the kinds of gifts I like to get my friends.  Ones that are “between us” and that perhaps nobody else will understand but when they use the gifts or see them, they will immediately smile and remember one of our many stupid moments that we have had together.

Okay, back to the serious four hour conversation of making a difference in the world. 

4.  What all we’re going to do when her husband goes off to sea and how we can get my husband registered in the Navy as well so I will be on vacation too

5.  How her come on line to her husband is “Hey Baby, Want some Guacamole”.  I personally did not get this at all.  She said it is from the movie “Stepbrothers”.

stepbrothers

6.  How to get your doctor to prescribe Xanax

7. How we both have our “fancy” Workout / Yoga pants for when we are “dressing up” and going into town to get groceries or going to the mall

8.  How her last Gyno visit went…. she knew she was going so she did what every woman does…  shaved her legs, painted her toe nails, douched, etc.  She even shaved her entire “hoo hah” because that is the “in” thing right now that all the put together women do.  She felt very confident about herself.  However, while the Doctor left and gave her time to get undressed, while taking her panties off and neatly folding her panties and tucking them in her shirt (You know you do it too) she somehow had glitter in her panties.  We have all seen that e-mail forward in the 90s but never did I know anyone it happened to.  This is a moment when she wished her children were still wearing diapers so she probably would’ve had some baby wipes in her purse to clean up any evidence of being a high end stripper.  When her GNO entered the room, she immediately explained how she has no clue how glitter got anywhere around her Hoo Hah and swore she didn’t do that on purpose.  I mean, we all hope the doctor thinks we are always that well groomed right?  Then the moment comes… she spreads her legs and the procedure moves forward and you don’t make eye contact w/ the doctor anymore. She leaves you to put your clothes on and tells you to meet her in her office to discuss any concerns.  Why do they do this?  I mean, do they really think it takes the awkwardness away just because you now have on clothes?  My friend is then informed and given a lecture on how bad it is for your Hoo Hah to be shaved or waxed and how some hair down there is needed and she is subjecting herself to an infection and bacteria.  That is the thing every woman wants to hear right?  I mean, she went through all that trouble for nothing.  And, to top it off the doctor did not mention how pretty her toes were!!!

9.  Once you have children and you have your dreaded yearly exam, to some extent you get excited when it is time to schedule your appointment.  That means you get to have a pedicure!!   Some women do this on a monthly thing.  But to people like me and my sis n law, it is a rare occurrence and is limited to a special occasion or as mentioned above, your yearly visit.

10. How lucky she is to still have Gyno visits…  I am jealous of women who do because now I don’t have the excuse of getting a pedicure since I have had a hysterectomy. I also don’t have that week out of the month for a free excuse to not have to put out. Neither do I have  the freedom to pretend my Aunt Flo is hanging around longer than usual.  So next time you have your dreaded time of the month, think about the positives.

Oh, I am sorry Hun…  That Dang Aunt Flo won’t leave… Ugh!!!

By this point, it is midnight and we realize I got to ring in her 40th with her.  Of course I sing her Happy Birthday .  Did you know I was a former Rock Star?  I mean, I am the one who  taught Carrie how to sing. Here is her picture from the 2013 awards along with an excerpt from her Thank you speech in case you missed it or forgot it or did not know who she was referring to.

carrie 2

“But  Most importantly, I would like to thank my idol, Collette.  Without her, I would have never even had a goal to aim for.  One day, I will sing as well as her”

 

Of course,  Captain Vagina was very moved by my serenade.  Somehow after that we were cut off.  She text me the next a.m. and said she was so moved by my angelic serenade that her phone lost power due to the moisture from her tears.  To which I replied, “Don’t worry.  It happens all the time when I sing for my friends. ”

 

 

 

Obviously Heartless — January 20, 2015

Obviously Heartless

 

 

 

“When I came home 11 years ago and my ex husband was sober I knew something was wrong.

Were the Kids in trouble?  Did something happen to my Grandma?  Did you get fired?

All these things were running through my head.  But, no, none of these tragic things were happening.  In shock, I carried on with my usual habits when coming home from work.  Well, the girls weren’t home so I really don’t remember what I did.  I know it wasn’t cooking cause the only thing I knew how to cook at the time was hamburger helper.  I am sure I probably went over to my neighbors and vented at how I didn’t know what to do since he was sober then went for my daily run.  At this point, I am probably making up anything I may say that I did.  I will be honest, I was a lousy wife.

raising hand

Well, I didn’t cook nor make his plate. I didn’t iron his clothes nor hang on every word.

Wait…………..  that is how my mom said a good wife acted.  I think I was actually normal because none of my friends cook for their husbands.

Oh well, I wasn’t the best. Lets’ say that.  Anyway, I remember sitting on the couch and the curiosity just took over my mouth (like always)

Why aren’t you drunk today?

Because I was looking for an apartment and I am moving out in two weeks.

Without trying to hide me jumping up and down, I say, “Well, where do you plan on sleeping until then?”.

As I am typing this I realize that was extremely rude.  LOL!  But, I am sorry. I am laughing.  He had worn me down at this point obviously. I really am not heartless but by this point, we had had 3 cars repossessed,  I had a $50 grocery budget to spend a week with two kids in elementary, I had just found out three months prior that our house was in foreclosure, and he was hiding over $800 a month and wouldn’t tell me where it was going.  So, I will admit I was numb by this point and was glad he was leaving.

Back to the point… shiny squirrel

Two weeks came and gone. We didn’t tell the girls until right before he left.  They came home from school and he sat down and told them he was going to go live somewhere else but would come visit them and he still loved them, etc.  All the things you’re supposed to say basically.  They were five and six.  I really don’t think they understood what he was saying because they said, “okay.  Love you” and went to change for gymnastics. He left.

Fast forward past all the drama

My first weekend that he had the girls was hard.  I didn’t know where he was living. He wouldn’t tell me. I wanted to know where they were, etc.  From the time he left to the time he had them his first weekend, I had found out a lot of information where my kids safety was a concern.  Finally, he agreed he would keep them for the weekend and stay with his mother.  Whew… I was relieved and could enjoy my free babysitter for the weekend.

What was I to do ???  Go out with my other new single “friend”?  Go watch a chick flick?

Nope…  my decision was to celebrate him leaving by getting me a bottle of wine and taking over his closet.  Oh my gosh!!! I was so excited!!!  We didn’t have a huge walk in closet. Our house had been built in the 60s so we had 2 small closets, his and her style.  So yes!!!  I turned on the radio and moved all my pants over to his side of the closet. I now had a pant and a shirt closet.  I spread out my shoes and matched them up and they didn’t have to set on top of each other anymore. I was so excited.  Of course, it led into color coordinating and sorting by types, etc.   I obviously enjoyed the entire situation too much.

Around 9:30, my friend stopped by to check on me and brought me some wine since I hadn’t been answering my phone.  She was worried thinking it had suddenly hit me my husband had left me. I am sure she pictured me in the fetal position crying in the shower or something equally humiliating.  She comes into my room yelling my name searching for me.  I turn around and she has a bottle of wine in her hands saying she was wondering how I was doing and was stopping by  to drag me out of the house to go party with her because I shouldn’t be alone in my “condition”.  Of course, as the words are coming out of her mouth I am showing her my newly expanded, color coordinated, season coordinated, and event coordinated closet.  I grabbed the wine and told her I would ssssooo take that and she can stop by after she goes out if she wants to check out my new organized drawers since I now also have an extra chest of drawers.

My excitement was overwhelming to her.  She laughed at me and called me Monica as she always did.  Out of our friendship, she always referred to herself as “Rachel” and me and “Monica” cause I was always cleaning.  This sight in front of her at that very moment just proved her theory correct.  I was newly divorced, had a free babysitter for the weekend, and what was I doing???  Ecstatically cleaning my closet and drawers.  She tried talking me into going out with her and bar hopping but I had no interest.  That wasn’t me.  So, she had a glass of wine with me and laughed at my dorkiness with me.  I didn’t care.  I had never had a closet that big. I was in heaven.

Fast Forward to now

I have a friend who has been divorced for a year now.  However, she was separated for a year before it was final.  He had cheated on her with a good friend. Not a one night stand either but had been having a full on relationship with this girl for three years right under her nose.  To make things worse, their group of friends had all known about it and had been covering for the two the entire time.  So, she was extremely upset.  She had every right to be.  She is the type of person who has the face book statuses like:

One day I will be my old self again

It is so hard to be so nice all the time

He may have broke me down but one day I will smile again

Prayers for my world breaking apart

You get the point……………..

I admit, I sometimes want to get on FB and say things like that but I won’t because I don’t want to have my phone going off 100 times with comments like, ” I am there for you. You can pull through. You are an awesome person”.  etc.

 If I do put something like that, my true friends will say, “You get the shovel and wine, I will dig the hole”

If my boss would stop coming around the corner, and it wasn’t so close to lunch, I would so insert Dixie Chicks Goodbye Earl here

During her first year, we would get a text from her usually about once a week. It was to me and about four other girls who are all friends.  She would send a text saying how her life is so hard or why is all this happening to her, etc.  Of course everyone would respond with what a great person she is and how stupid he is and she will stand again one day, etc.  ALL OF WHICH I DO AGREE WITH but after about six months, I get tired of saying the same thing over to the same messages.  Finally, one day I text back saying how she needed to put her big girl panties on and go get laid.

Yep…  awesome friend advice right there  raising hand

I also carried on a little more saying how she is the only person who can help herself and her still going to dinner with him or calling all their “friends” etc.  is what is holding her back.  She never said anything but I never got a response and her and a couple of other of the girls have gone out on their own since then. I am sure I sounded harsh and rude but Good Lord…………..  I mean, if you’re having a bad day or something yes.  Send a text saying You need some cheering up or something but that is all she would ever send as a group message.  To this day, that is all she will send.  Never has there been a text informing us about her real life.  I know within the past two years, she has moved, gotten a new dog, got a new job, etc.  I mean, things that are really cool and are “text worthy”.

I do have to say the past six months, she has left her whining to her FB statuses or posting quotes and scriptures.  Those are okay. I mean, I can choose to ignore them but if they’re sent specifically to me in a text, you have to acknowledge them.

Last Thursday, she sent a random texts to everyone saying ” I need my girls and ya’lls opinions. I am so hurt”.  She continues how her ex had just left her house had tried to kiss her and said he is thinking of asking his “new woman” to marry him but if she wants to marry him he would rather marry her.  She is saying how her heart hurts and she doesn’t know if he is just saying that or if he means it and she doesn’t know if she should tell his new woman, etc.  So of course, everyone responds how she is better without him and she is just too nice to and he knows that, etc. By this point, I am getting annoyed.  Everyone has stuff that goes on in their lives. Two of the girls in the group text lost their father last year, I lost my mom, my daughter left me to live at Disney World, another has serious health issues that nobody else really knows about,  and another is a single mom.  But yet, she is still crying about her ex husband leaving her who cheated on her, still owes her money, didn’t work for five years of their marriage, etc.  And, they don’t have kids together.  They didn’t even own a house.    She continues on how she hopes Karma will catch up to him, and he has hurt her continuously, etc.

STOP WHINING ALREADY!!!

So, I decided to respond with the same thing I did a year ago but nicer and also trying to point out to her in a nice way that other people have problems too (and she is draining us) .  I responded how I have gone through hell for ten years now with the ex and I have learned that a person can either dwell on it or power through it and continue to live their life and how me losing my mom this year along with my daughter plus court battle, etc, It has been hard but you have to continue on and not dwell on the negative.   I told her the best way to get back at him is to press on with her life and to stop being available to him period and he has no reason to even go to her house. She obviously missed my point of other people have bigger problems LOL!  She carried on for the next couple of days how she was good to him, he hurt her, etc.  Of course, my other friend stroked her ego continuously and I quit reading the texts.

I don’t understand if people do this kind of thing continuously. Is it the attention????    Then, if you’re asking for advice, don’t argue back every piece that is given to you.  It annoys me when people constantly say “I miss ya’ll so much” and I suggest ways to meet or dates and they never even try to make it work.

Then again, maybe my irritation is more jealousy ..  nobody is texting me how special I am and how I am beautiful on the inside and out.  I am not the most confident person and actually have a lot of insecurities but I don’t want some fake repetitive “Your beautiful and special” BS that I have sought out.

GAG !!!

gagging

P.S. I really love my friend and she is a very nice person and I can’t wait til she gets back to her old self.   I do understand that people hurt in different ways.  Some (me) deal with their anxiety through humor, some reach out to the world, and some become a hermit.  I am a firm believer in just because someone isn’t smiling, it doesn’t mean they’re not excited on the inside and just cause someone is smiling on the outside doesn’t mean they’re not crying on the inside.

 

BTW… he left her house that pm and went to propose to his little girlfriend .  Yep… I would be upset about losing that winner.

 

Boring but not boring weekend — January 12, 2015

Boring but not boring weekend

This past weekend was disgusting.  If you aren’t from Houston, you may not know we get to use our big coats on the average of 5 days a year.  That is a ccccooolllllddddd year.  For the most part, that is a good thing.  My perfect weather is about 60 degrees.  You can still wear shorts and you can also pull the riding boots out.  Yes, I know riding boots is for “cold weather” but I be damned if I am only going to wear my boots 5 times a year.  I mean, I have 15 pair.  They’re my latest fashion obsession.  As I gain weight every year, my boots are very forgiving and they still fit.  They’re my best friend.

Okay, totally off the subject.

On top of being cold, it also rained all weekend.  Blah!!!!  In the suburbs there is nothing to do inside unless you are going to a movie or going out to eat.  By Friday, my meals for the week were gone and quite honestly, I didn’t want to eat at home.  So, I talked Greg into going out to eat.  We went to our cheap Mexican restaurant where the food is so so and the margaritas are cheap.

Its’ all about priorities

After we ate Greg said, “Lets go to a Pearland Bar “.

Wwwwhhhhhaaattttt?????  Pops wants to go out???? 

Last time we went to a Pearland bar we got stared at.  I felt like a tourist in my own town.  We only stayed about ten minutes.  So, I was pretty nervous.  He said there was this house bar down the road from the Dojo so we headed that way.  There were no lights outside.  It was pretty scary. I told him he was going in first.  However, the minute we walked in side, I fell in love. I felt like I was back home in Winnie.  Our eyes were burning from smoke smell the minute we walked on the patio, there were pool tables, etc.  Oh yea…………..  this is my kind of place.

Of course, you could tell everyone knew everyone so I was pretty nervous if they would be friendly to newcomers.  There was an open seat at the bar and I asked the bartender if it was open.  She said, “No Lisa is sitting there”.  So, we wondered off to this table by the dart boards.  There was an older man, his wife, a young couple and an older lady playing darts.  The man would come talk to us occasionally.  After about an hour, the older woman came to “quiz” us.

“Whats’ your name precious?”

Collette

What kind of hell’s name is that?

LOL!  I know..  some people call me C though cause it is hard to pronounce.

I don’t like C either. You don’t look like a C.  Next time you come I will have a name for you. I am Momma Patti.

Laughing at her seriousness, Well, nice to meet you Momma Patti. This is Greg

Oh, now you look like a Greg. We will keep your name. This one here…. yea, something has to be done about that

She ended up hanging with us for a couple of hours.  We learned she had already been to prison.  Her son and daughter N law were the young couple playing darts by us.  Her husband died years ago. She works at Dow Chemical plant.  She loved to party.  Needless to say, she kept us entertained.  The other people she was with would come over occasionally and visit with us.  At one point, a dog came in.  It was like he was a human coming in for his Miller Lite.  Everyone said hello. He went to everyone and let them give him a pet.  Then he plopped down and just chilled the rest of the night.  I asked about him and they told me he lived down the road and did belong to someone.  He just goes there every night and hangs out for awhile then leaves.  It was totally adorable.  Makes you wonder about re-incarnation and what he was in his prior life.  I am not saying I believe in that. I am just saying it makes you wonder.

Around 9:00 this “biker gang” came in. One of them brought a jar of Apple Moonshine for Momma Patti and she paid him $20.  I asked him how long he had been doing it since I fiddle around with moonshine as well.  He said it was only his 3rd batch and he had been playing around with the recipe.  I asked if he got his recipe from Pinterest.  He blushed and turned around guilty like.  We had to laugh.  This big tough biker dude gets on Pinterest and searches recipes.

We finally left around 10:00.  We had bought some tamales from some lady who had came in and were getting hungry.  Plus, Jordan was bothering us to go home.  We told our new friends bye and they said to please come back.  We have been in Pearland for 7 years now.  We have been places but never sat and talked with anyone, much less learn their names.  For the first time, I can say I had a good time and can’t wait to take a friend and go back.  Pearland is so full of “wannabes” as I like to call them.  They act like they’re better than everyone and are constantly aiming for this perfect status.  It isn’t my thing. Grant it, I have met some people who I have became to call my friends.  We just prefer to hang out at someone’s house rather than go out though because it is all chain restaurants or yuppie filled bars.  Finally, I found a place we could go to, cut a rug (not that Greg would dance with me though), play some pool, and don’t have to worry if I am in the latest and greatest fashion ensemble.

Saturday, I woke up around 11:00a.m. and saw Greg wasn’t in bed. Now, I have tried telling him the rules over and over how if you are the first to wake up, you start breakfast. Or heck, at least make coffee.  Of course, he still has not grasped this concept.  When I asked him what he made for breakfast, he responded, “there is nothing here”.

One day he will learn those are fighting words

So, to prove a point, I got up and made a huge breakfast. I made bacon, gravy, hash brown, re-heated some biscuits I made the other day, and cut up an avocado.  Needless to say, we were stuffed til supper that night.

You know, now that I am typing this, perhaps that is his plan.  This happens quite often. Everytime he says there is nothing to eat I go in the kitchen and whip up the largest meal of all meals to prove a point that if he moves things around or burns a calorie cooking, there is plenty of food. 

The rain was still pouring so I got prepared and made a vow to myself I was going to be lazy.  Yes, it was hard but I made myself.  I finished season 2 of Chicago Fire and watched 2 episodes of Season 3.  Gosh, that Kelly is HOT!  Finally, I got up and took a shower around 4:00 pm to buy groceries.  Yes, in the rain!!!!  Ugh!!!!!  But, I was craving Chili so I had to go get the stuff.  I finished that around 7:00 and we watched a movie and played Trivia Crack and Word Crack the rest of the night.  Woo Hoo!

Sunday, I woke up around 8:00 a.m. I tired my best to go back to sleep.  In my head I am thinking the earlier I wake up , the more time I have for boredom.  Remembering I still had more Chicago Fire to catch up on, I hurried to get up and beat Greg to the TV.  Out of pure rebellion, I did not cook breakfast.  Although I did make coffee.  I ate four pieces of the cookie cake ( Yes four) Jordan had brought home from the party the night before.  After watching three episodes, Greg came downstairs and said he was going to buy gray paint to paint Avery’s room.  So, I jumped up to take a shower so I could tag along aka supervise his paint selection.

OMG!!!!  We get to  leave the house!!!!  And, maybe I can sneak me some sand paper or something in there to get started on one of the many furniture projects I pinned on Pinterest this weekend. 

When we get home, I helped him clean the walls and take everything out of the room.  I decided helping him was not the smartest thing to do.  We kill each other when we work together.  So, I figured I would clean since he was doing something productive.

Dang Over Achiever!!!! 

I went to the store and got me some stuff and hooked up my Audible book to my Bluetooth headphones and went to town.  I don’t know if I was really into the book or what but I busted tail and got it all done in like 2 hours. I even re-organized my make up!  If you like listening to audio books, I highly suggest this method.  It was my first time and I enjoyed it.  I was listening to “On the Line”.  It is a series about Firefighters with some mature adult content 🙂

I finished cleaning around 5:00 and decided to start supper.  I made Tamale Casserole. Then Greg comes in saying all the Chili I made is gone from last night.  Holy Crap!!!!  Well, at least he liked something I made.  So, I whipped up another batch.  It only takes 30 minutes and I was in the kitchen anyways.  Once I started both dishes, I opened the fridge and saw my Homemade chicken pot pie sitting there.  I had totally forgotten about it .  I had made it Saturday evening while I was making the other batch of Chili.  Oh well.  we definitely have enough food to last the week.

Now to start my furniture project.

I have a side table that has been in Avery’s room.  I decided since we are painting the room gray, this piece of furniture would be the perfect first “victim” for my red distressed piece I want to try. If it turns out good, I am going to do my china cabinet red.  So, I go outside and sand it down. Of course, it is still raining and my garage ifs full of plants so I gather about ten pieces of newspaper (wet of course) and set a couple of the table legs on .  I had some red primer.  Well, then comes safety chief saying I can’t do that cause I am going to over spray, etc.  Who cares??? It is the back porch and I had ten pieces o  Paper.  He carried on and on repeating himself and pointing out every safety dilemma that could possible happen.  I finally told him not to worry. I would do it when he wasn’t around but I would go in the kitchen and cook and clean like I am supposed to do .  Ten minutes later, He told me he had me some paper laid out so he was sure I wouldn’t over spray on the concrete.  I told him I was already busy cleaning and cooking more.  He asked me my plan and I told him that all I was able to do up to this point was sand and paint four layers of the paint / primer since I did not have the glaze yet.  Needless to say, he went outside every 30 minutes and sprayed them down while I finished supper.

Hahahaha…. my plan worked

Finally, it quit raining around 10:00 pm.  Jordan had came home from work so we all sat in the living room eating either homemade chicken pot pie, chili, or tamale pie.  Aren’t those all rainy day yummy foods?  Then  we all sat around playing Trivia crack on our phones with each other while watching the Golden Globes.  I like to call that Quality Family time.

 

The point of my blog today is that even though we didn’t do anything it was actually a half way fun weekend.  This am while I was washing my hair I was bummed we didn’t have some exciting weekend.  But, once I got to thinking about it, we had a nice, productive weekend.  We went out to dinner, went to a bar and had some drinks, made three meals for the week, cleaned the house very well, painted Avery’s old room, started my first furniture re-do, had family game night ( Yes, all of us playing games against each on the couch is family game night).

But my ah ha moment was when I crawled in to bed last night and remembered I had washed the sheets while cleaning the house and was able to crawl into my Downy smelling  bed.  Its the little things that matter.  When you think about the positive, you will realize how positive your life really is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My very first chocolate pie — January 5, 2015

My very first chocolate pie

 

Growing up, traditions were not something me or my brother were a customed to when it came to holidays.  Well, maybe there were traditions……

New step-parent every year

Weeks of arguing where we would be for Christmas Day

Traveling to at least five places all day long

I am not griping at all.  At the time, we thought that was normal. We didn’t know.  And we have had lots of laughter talking about the memories. I like to say my family put the Fun in Dysfunctional.  There were a few things that were always present no matter what.  One was my grandma’s chocolate pie and my grandma’s sugar cookies. They were a staple no matter what.  I grew up extremely close with my Grandma Lindemann. I still say today if it had not been for her, there is no telling how I would have turned out.  She was my rock.  She is the one thing I knew would always be there. She lived in the same house, went to the same grocery store on Thursdays, woke up at the same time every morning and watched the same shows everyday. I grew up in Winnie with my mom but during the summer I would go stay quite a while with my dad and he would take me to stay with my grandma Lindemann or Grandma Harbes every day while him and my step mom were at work.  I loved going both places.  They were my favorite people in the world.

As my grandma Lindemann got older, she started taking short cuts with her baking and cooking. I never said a word and ate with a smile and listened to her latest “change” and acted as though it was just the same.  Heck, she was 70 years old.  Good Lord.  Her specialty was desserts.  Her meringue was always perfect. It was at least 3 inches high. Of course, I didn’t appreciate this “talent” at all.  I feel bad admitting it but I took the meringue off every pie she put it on.  Of course, seeing it all the time did give me a “standard” . When I would visit other’s holidays and I would see their “attempt” at a meringue I would think in the back of my mind how they so desperately had no clue obviously.

When my grandma died, my mom pretty much took over the roll of reproducing my grandma’s sugar cookies and her chocolate pies.  She would arrive and be so proud and want us all to gawk over her beautiful dessert and then tell a story about grandma.  I will admit, it was quite annoying at times.  I was thinking what is the big deal???  Grandma did it every year and never asked for a trophy.  I think some of it was also jealousy.  Mom would make a point to say how the chocolate pie was specifically for my brother.  So, I assume the cookies were just for me???  Okay, I know they weren’t but can I pretend please?  I would get a little jealous since every holiday grandma would make me a special dessert.  She always made me a cottage cheese pie every Christmas and every Birthday.  But, I also understand that cottage cheese is not everyone’s “thing”.  That was between my grandma and I.

When my mom passed away, the only thing my brother mentioned he would like is one of grandma’s old pie plates.  Well, unfortunately, none of my grandma’s stuff much less my mom’s stuff has become available to me or him.  I am just crossing my fingers hoping my step dad has not given everything away.

Okay, I will shut up before I get on that rage.  Happy Thoughts!!!!

A couple of months ago, I came across an old pie plate Tracy was talking about.  At that moment, I decided I was going to ATTEMPT a chocolate pie for him for Christmas.  I mean, we didn’t have 20141224_222848

many traditions coming up but if there was something I could do about keeping one thing somewhat normal, I was going try.

 

I asked my aunt if she had grandma’s pie crust recipe and she said no.  Of course, my mom probably has it since she kind of took the pie thing over but it isn’t like my step dad wants me going through any of her stuff.  So, I had to improvise.  I have a copy of the “Walkins Cook Book ” from the 1930s.  I figure that would be the best place to start.

 

Here is the pie crust recipe:

1 1/2 cups sifted flour

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp Watkins baking powder (don’t think this exists anymore.LOL)

1/2 c. shortening

1/4 c. butter (no cheap stuff)

1/4 c. or less ice water

Sift dry ingredients together and work in chilled shortening lightly.  Add ice water slowly and roll on lightly floured board.  Line pie tin,  have dough well over edge of pan.  Roll dough outwards from center, keep in circular form.

Hints from the Hint section in the Watkins cook book :

You can use lard

Use only enough water to hold dough together.  Chill for several hours or overnight

Do not grease pie tin.  Just dust with flour

Make circle 2″ bigger than pie pan upside down and cut so you will have hangover for the edges

Brush the edges with egg whites to brown and give a nice color

The border should stand up over the edge so nothing will fall out over edges

To bake with filling inside put in 350 deg. oven and bake 40 to 50 min.

To bake shell only, poke holes in shell with fork and bake for 12 to 15 min. at 400 deg.

My hint: I doubled the recipe just in case so I knew I would have enough for my shell to hang over like Grandma’s did.

 

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As you can tell, I don’t do a very good “circle”. After four attempts and a few tears I finally got it. It still wasn’t big enough to make the beautiful waves I was so going for so I added extra dough onto the sides and tried to mimic the way that Carla Hall did it on the Chew one morning.  She made it look so easy.  Also, my crust was uneven so I got a wine cork and rubbed it vertically up the sides to try and smooth it out which would make lots more come over the top and it was an ongoing issue.  My husband tried to come help but me being stubborn as I am told him to go upstairs and I would figure it out on my own.

Yep, ADHD moment………..  frustration and anxiety cause it isn’t perfect.  Ugh!!! I will get this dangit!

So, yes it ended up with full fledged fingers instead of the pretty “waves” but I had to tell myself it would all be okay.  I placed it in the oven to brown and one of the fingers fell off when I took it out.  Trying not to break down in tears and start bauling, I told myself one finger gone would be okay.

While that was cooking I had started on the filling.  I was really stressed about this since I am very picky about my pies.  Ever go somewhere and you are so excited to see the chocolate pie but of course you wait til the first slice is gone.  An hour later you go back and it is cut into but the filling is all spread through the entire plate, looking more like a melting pudding pop then a cake?  Yea, totally ruins my appetite.  I was very worried this would happen.  So, I told myself since my crust wasn’t beautiful the filling had to make up for it.

For the filling, I turned to my favorite Texas Food blogger, The Homesick Texan.e only thing I did differently was use Hershey’s DARK cocoa.  I just love it more. It gives everything more richness.  And, I like to say I am fighting cancer while eating my dark chocolate. And, it is less calories so of course it is healthy right?

http://www.homesicktexan.com/2008/09/grandmas-chocolate-pie.html?m=1
Homesick Texans Chocolate Pie

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Now don’t quote me but I am almost positive I doubled the filling.  I knew this was a deeper than normal pie plate and I wanted it to be full.

Another one of my pet peeves……….  more crust than filling

I know I stood there stirring for about half an hour. I wanted it so thick my wisk wouldn’t move anymore.  When reviewing her recipe, she had said that you have to get it as thick as you want before putting it in the fridge cause it does not thicken up once it gets cold.  Awesome that she put that note!!!  I would not have thought that at all.  I think that is why I love her so much.  She does give little details like that that some people probably take for granted.

So, Christmas morning, I am so excited about my “gift” for my brother. It wasn’t really the pie. It was more about the pie plate.  I wasn’t going to say anything and just decided to wait and see if he noticed.  Of course, him being a man, he didn’t. He brought his piece and I said, “Did you notice what it was baked in? I found it so you get to keep it since that is all you asked about when mom died?”. His answer???  “I asked for that?”.  Typical man…….

Ten minutes later, my step mom goes to the pie and says, “Thats’ where my pie plate was. I have been looking for that. I must’ve left it there at your house last Christmas”.  I told her how I thought it was grandma Lindemanns and she said it was hers.  I told her the story and she laughed and told my brother he could still keep it anyway.  I felt bad. I was so disappointed It isn’t like I feel her plate wasn’t important. It is just we haven’t been able to get anything really from my mom’s.  When I have gone through things, none of my grandma’s stuff that I know my mom had is there.  I don’t know if other women have came and taken it or its’ been thrown away since it was “old”.  All I know is I was so excited thinking we got at least one of my grandma’s memories and it ended up not being hers.  Yes, I am bitter and angry. I admit it.  Ha!  If Gaylyn’s “church friends” are the ones who took the stuff, it is just stuff to them.  They obviously have no respect for me nor care about what may be important.

Okay, on a rant again… I will shut up!

Over all, I was very proud of my first pie. I wasn’t impressed about my “finger” reaching over the top but I am sure that will get better with practice.  I liked the dark chocolate flavor better than the regular chocolate flavor. The pie crust was awesome.  It was flaky as heck.  My brother asked how I got my grandma’s crust recipe and I told him I got it from a really old cook book. He said it was dead on.  (patting my own shoulder).

Until next year……..

 

as far as chocolate pies go

 

 

My First College game — December 31, 2014

My First College game

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When you live in Texas, there are lots of things to do on weekends but between August and February the most important thing is football.  To me, this is nothing but an excuse to throw a party. I have no clue about rules and Wot Knot but I do get very interested in people watching at the games.  I love watching the crazies in the stands yelling and screaming over a dang ball.  The big schools here are A&M and UT.  I have always heard the stories and have known alumni there who still go crazy and travel constantly for these games but have never had the opportunity to go to a game.  Last I looked, tickets are approximately $100 a piece.  Well, I can go to Walmart and People watch for free.

The week of my 41st Bday,  my friend called and asked if I wanted to go with them to an Aggie game.  Well, of course I was extremely excited. I was finally getting to go!  Imediately after, I had to go plan my outfit. I got on the weather app on my phone and just my luck…………..  RAIN!!!!!  I was thinking of backing out.  Who wants to sit in the rain for four hours watching a sport you don’t even understand. Besides, with all the rain, nobody will probably even go and then I won’t be able to people watch.  Then, my other personality reminded me of how I had just turned 41 and that was the first time I had even been invited to an Aggie game.  It was then I realized at this rate, I would be 82 the next time I got an invite.  So, I grabbed four hoodies, wore thermals under my jeans and

headed to Needville to meet my friend.  Woo Hoo Aggie game here I come!20141115_160607

When we finally got to the game we had to park at the mall. They had shuttles driving everyone to the stadium.  We had to park quite a ways off but hey, we need a work out right???  It was already drizzing but we didn’t have to worry about our sexy ponchos just yet. The shuttle dropped us off and we herded out towards the stadium trying our best to hold out a little longer before getting out the ponchos.  Finally, my friends pulled off to the side and we all put our newly bought accessories.

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Once we got to the ticket line, we stood rammed up like cattle once again.  My friend’s husband tried giving us our tickets early in the line but she was very persistent he keep them until the very end.

Was she answering for all of us or did she know that definitely Collette was going to lose hers and she didn’t want to take the chance?  

Approximately 6 feet from where they took our tickets, he handed us our tickets.  Somewhere from that point to where we got to the ticket man, guess who lost theirs?  Yep!!!  That’s me!!!!  Of course I was too embarrassed to say anything.

OMG!  Where am I going to hang out in the rain while they’re watching the game? Did I lose it when I decided to take selfie #25 of Jacey and I in our ponchos or when I took off my third hoodie because I was too hot?  Crap!!!  How do I tell them I already lost them? 

The line is inching closer and closer.

Okay, Collette, time to put your big girl panties on and tell them what an idiot you are……….. 

“Jacey,  Jacey, (Ugh I don’t want Darren to hear) ”

“Excuse me, Miss… Did you drop a ticket by chance? ”

“OMG… You are the bomb. I was going to have to sit in the rain while my friends watched the game!!

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Of course, Jacey laughed at me and said she knew one of us would probably lose our ticket.

The game was about to start so we decided to go the stair route.  This is where I totally regret not working out for the past oooohhhhh, month in a half!  Finally, we get to our level.  It was the opening of the game so of course we were those annoying people who stood in front of the people who were there on time.

I am really sorry sir. But I am 41 and this is my first game. Oh BTW, can you take a picture of me and my other “country” friends?

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The Opening Ceremony was really awesome!!!!  To be a student here must be an awesome experience!

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I have videos but don’t know how to upload those quite yet.  I am an immature to this blogging thing if you haven’t figured it out yet.

Who am I kidding?  Hahahaha! Like there was even a second thought in your head.

We get to our seats and Darren notices someone is in our places.  After about 20 min.  they figured out we were on the wrong side.

Oops, sorry once again!

By the time it is raining harder and our toes are frozen.  We kept ourselves amused by watching the student section and of course the drunk guy sitting in front of us. Oh, and there was the guy who had so much to drink prior to the game, he kept passing.  After half time, we decided to leave.  The Aggies weren’t doing so well at this point and the rain wasn’t letting up. Plus, my drunk friend left.

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We ended up at Chuy’s to finish watching the game and have a beer in the heat!  Besides, it was my friends’ 40th Bday. We had to celebrate somehow.

Even though it rained and was freezing, I am very glad I went and finally got to be part of the Texas Football sensation.  I now see what the big deal is about attending the games.  I still don’t see the big deal about football but the school pride is what it is all about !