I have been a runner for about 18 years now. Well more like this:




I still love to run. When people ask me why I run, I often tell them “So I won’t kill people”.  Of course that isn’t true but it is very close!  My routine has been come home from work, change clothes immediately, and go for my run.  If I walk in my house and start doing stuff, I will never make it out the door again.  This has been my schedule for ten years now.  ADHD people have to have a schedule. If not, nothing will get accomplished!


My world turned upside down last November. Therefore, I was dealing with family issues several evenings of the week and on Sunday afternoons.  I didn’t get all my meals cooked for the week on Sunday and I had to come home and actually cook supper or clean on a weeknight vs. the weekend. Therefore, my schedule got out of whack and has not came together since.  I start doing good for a couple of days then someone calls for a beer or happy hour and BBBAAAMMM…………. back to my slacking.




Last week, I joined a new gym thinking if I do that, I will be excited about the newness and hopefully a few hotties to check out while I am on my machine of choice for the day. When I am new at a gym or in my case, have no idea where anything is I always play the safe route.  I figure If I  go in a few times and do the elliptical or treadmill and just secretly follow people around to find out where the bathrooms are or how to clean the machines, etc.


Monday, I picked out the elliptical.  I figured that would be the one where I wouldn’t have a sign on my forehead saying “NEW GIRL!  WATCH ME I MAY FALL “. Well, I don’t think I did a very good job of covering my newness (do I ever).  When I got on the machine, I hit quick start.  Still didn’t register!  Then I hit the random button, still didn’t start going and blinking like it was suppose to.  By then, I am worried people are staring because I mean obviously, everyone is at that gym to wait on a new girl to make a complete idiot out of herself.  Feeling very insecure I decided to turn on my TV.  That would distract someone behind me waiting to see if I would ever figure the machine out, right?  Five minutes later, I finally figured out the television all while still peddling trying to look like I was doing all the right things.  After pushing every button on the machine, I decided manual was the way to go.  Then, I look at my left, and see the little 18 year old boy was on level 8!!!  Awe hell no!!! I can’t let this brat do better than me!!! So, I up it to 9!!! Don’t worry, as soon as he left I put it down to five.


By now, I am feeling cool!  Yea, I look like I know what I am doing.  I have a decent show on and I can relax knowing that I am not standing out anymore. Five minutes later, I get that feeling…………… you know the one. The one where you know someone is looking at you or talking about you.  So, I give the quick look to my right looking slightly up pretending I am looking at the clock.  When I turn ever so quickly I notice the “looker” is my neighbor.  He is pointing at my butt and smiling.  Most neighbors would smile and say hi but he is a talker and I don’t want to talk at the gym. Seeing him pointing at my butt made me very defensive though. I mean, I know I am not some model and I by no means have a cute butt but for his fat ass to be pointing and laughing pissed me off.  I wanted to ask him “When was the last time you saw your pecker you bald butthead?”.


See why I work out???  To control my mouth! That is the answer.


Being very self conscious the rest of my workout, I constantly pulled my shirt down hoping it would cover my big butt up that my neighbor was laughing so hard at!  Finally, after the timer when off I went home to take my bath.  Still bothered by my neighbors rude gesture I decided to make the motion my butt would be doing in the mirror while on the elliptical.  To my horror, I discovered not only was my butt still huge after my hour on the elliptical but also that my shiny WHITE butt was totally seen through!  Oh yea!!!!  All bright and wide.  And, I never wear thongs but on that given day I did.  Awesome………………..  yes, every time my leg went up and down, my crack went side to side as well.  Did I mention I was born a ginger and still have quite a bit of ginger in me so I have mayonnaise legs!!!  It was black on top of a flashlight!

kim-naked see-through-yoga-pants-2


So yes, this is embarrassing but on one hand, we’re all adults.  If you are a regular at any gym you know mishaps happen and we all laugh about it.

1. Crotch sweat

2. Boobs falling out

3. Passing gas while working out

4. Rips in pants you don’t know about until the person behind you tells you

5. Falling of any sort

We could go on for hours here!

My main complaint is now though that my neighbor knows me.  Why didn’t he come up and say “Girl, your shit is showing you need to go change”.  I would’ve laughed and made some joke about how big it is and got off the machine giggling at myself the entire time.  But no, he was pointing at my butt obviously pointing it out to people that I didn’t even know!


Now you know why I didn’t want to speak to him?  Again, I want to say, “I bet you can’t find spandex to fit your big butt even if men wore them” or something equally as immature!


Yes, I have thrown the pants away!  From now on I will do a but bend test in front of the mirror!


It did make me feel good last night though when I returned and did a new workout class.  My teacher was wearing gray spandex (why do they even make those) and had blue underwear on underneath.  Well, they may not have been blue nor it may not have been underwear but sweat does not make a perfect triangle when working out. If they weren’t underwear she has landscaping issues and needs to take care of that! I didn’t tell her though. I figured since it was my first class I won’t say a word.  I will wait til my second class!