” Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my mom dying. She had died in her sleep 2 hours after I had been on the phone with her planning my daughters grad party the night before. That is how sudden it was. I am not saying losing a parent or loved one is ever easy but I do think if they were sick prior or something like that you have time to prepare yourself mentally. At least that is how it happened for me. My grandmas were my saving grace growing up. I was extremely close with them but they were sick and going “downhill” for several years prior so it wasn’t as hard as losing my mom has been.
Okay, the prequel is depressing and not what my story is really about I promise.
Since the night prior to my mom’s passing, to distract me I had scheduled a date with my sis n law for 8:00 pm to distract me from thinking and replaying my mom and I’s last conversation over and over in my head. My husband and I had gone out to eat and had a few beers. After eating, he had stopped and gotten two bottles of wine for me to sit on the back porch for me and me to have my “date” of conversation about absolutely nothing! Fifteen minutes later I am stressing. She lives in Virginia and has children to put to bed so it was 8:20 before she was able to call.
Don’t you hate it when your children interfere with your social life? I mean, they need to learn we have priorities.
It was killing me. My husband won’t admit it but I am quite sure he is as much thankful for my phone dates I have with my girlfriends as well. He doesn’t have to sit and listen and try to dissect the exceptionally profound conversations us women have. He certainly does not appreciate our perception of what is important. That is for sure. He is not a talker and has no social life. I needed distraction fast!!!!
OMG!!! He is on his second glass. He is fixing to start talking. Great!!! I will hear about the latest printer he worked on or his ninja fighting stuff. God I wish he would get guy friends and get a hobby and talk about the important things going on in the world like me and my friends do. Please hurry and call Captain Vagina before he gets on a roll.
Finally, she calls and we discuss the major events of the world going on for the next 2 hours.
Warning: The next portion of this blog is very intellectual and serious issues going on in the world. You may need a dictionary or thesaurus to interpret the extreme diversity of our conversation.
1. She was turning 40 at midnight. I had bought a new wine glass for my date with her that said “40 is Sexy”
2.My story of spending six hours on Amazon trying to find her the perfect gift. I had $250 of gifts that I thought were great, useful or totally useless but would make her smile because only her or I would understand it. For instance, my brother is a Captain in the navy so he is “important”. Since she is a C.O.W. she is required to host one fancy party a year. She was telling me how she gets so that she wants to bang her head against the wall and drool on herself. So, I had put her a square Pad in my shopping cart so that she could gracefully bang her head against the wall during these ever so awful situations and still look cute with her hair fixed. Perhaps I would sew a pocket on the bottom as well so she could re-apply her lip gloss after to look as beautiful and sophisticated as the other polished C.O.W.s. I also had her some “Shart Wipes” for when she goes out this weekend again with her friends to celebrate her birthday. Oh, and you can’t forget the “Pee Pee Pads” (Poise but only 30 times more expensive because of the hilarious name and cute packaging). Since she was turning 40, you may have more unexpected farts so I had some fart pads as well. They apparently put off a powder smell so nobody knows. With every gift idea I shared with her, we each told a story about why that was actually probably needed at one point in our lives. Her story included the weekend prior, her and her friends had gone out and her friend did actually shart while at the club. Then, there was the story how they were Victoria Secret panties so she wasn’t dare going to throw her “fancy Panties ” away so she went commando the rest of the night, wrapped her panties in a towel and shoved them in her purse. When you’re a mom of little ones lets face it….. your kids get Monogrammed Mud Pie panties but you get the package of ten from Walmart for $6.95. Victoria secret panties are to be cherished and only worn if you are hanging out with your girlfriends on the slight chance you may go to the bathroom together or be changing in front of another.
Men need to face it… we don’t dress for them, we don’t wear our “pretty panties” for them, nor do we wax for them. Those items are to make other women think we are taken care of and are in total control of our lives. Of course, with good friends those things aren’t necessary and you laugh at yourself when you try to be sophisticated like them.
The point of our conversation is it is so much less embarrassing to shop online.
I promise there is a point
When I was done and went to my cart to check out, I had 32 items in my cart. I didn’t have to deal with the embarrassing moment at the register of realizing I spent too much and taking out items of my cart and putting them on the candy rack or going around the store empting my cart before I made it to the register. I went through everything and decided although all the stuff I mentioned above, among many other things I had put in that I thought was “us” and would totally make her laugh, they were just that. They would never actually be used and perhaps maybe be a good re-gift for another friend at their birthday. So, I hesitantly deleted the unpractical stuff from my cart and only purchased the items that I knew would be used but still had “meaning” between us.
Every woman loves wine glasses!! I told her when the glasses start to stand straight up, it is time to go to bed. I am a good friend like that. Everyone needs to know their limit.
Lets face it, our children have all embarrassed us and there have been times in public we wanted to say that to the person behind us when our kids have said something inappropriate or how after dressing your four year old and making sure she was dressed to appear in public somehow does not have on panties. Of course, you don’t realize this horrific, embarrassing moment until you’re at the playground looking like mommy of the year and your child is on the monkey bars yelling, “Mommy Mommy look at me”. And that is when you look up to see what awesome trick your daughter is doing (that is so much more advanced since the seven year old playing with them of course) only to find them hanging upside down in their adorable little dress with matching bow and of course no panties. To which at that moment, you grab your “Parenting” magazine( which secretly has your Kindle stuck in the middle that is opened to your Fifty Shades of Gray) and leave immediately.
And most importantly, if we are always wearing yoga pants then it is obvious to everyone that we are hard core women who just left the gym and are on our way to the store to pick up a gluten free, organic, fat free meal to cook for our children.
These are the kinds of gifts I like to get my friends. Ones that are “between us” and that perhaps nobody else will understand but when they use the gifts or see them, they will immediately smile and remember one of our many stupid moments that we have had together.
Okay, back to the serious four hour conversation of making a difference in the world.
4. What all we’re going to do when her husband goes off to sea and how we can get my husband registered in the Navy as well so I will be on vacation too
5. How her come on line to her husband is “Hey Baby, Want some Guacamole”. I personally did not get this at all. She said it is from the movie “Stepbrothers”.
6. How to get your doctor to prescribe Xanax
7. How we both have our “fancy” Workout / Yoga pants for when we are “dressing up” and going into town to get groceries or going to the mall
8. How her last Gyno visit went…. she knew she was going so she did what every woman does… shaved her legs, painted her toe nails, douched, etc. She even shaved her entire “hoo hah” because that is the “in” thing right now that all the put together women do. She felt very confident about herself. However, while the Doctor left and gave her time to get undressed, while taking her panties off and neatly folding her panties and tucking them in her shirt (You know you do it too) she somehow had glitter in her panties. We have all seen that e-mail forward in the 90s but never did I know anyone it happened to. This is a moment when she wished her children were still wearing diapers so she probably would’ve had some baby wipes in her purse to clean up any evidence of being a high end stripper. When her GNO entered the room, she immediately explained how she has no clue how glitter got anywhere around her Hoo Hah and swore she didn’t do that on purpose. I mean, we all hope the doctor thinks we are always that well groomed right? Then the moment comes… she spreads her legs and the procedure moves forward and you don’t make eye contact w/ the doctor anymore. She leaves you to put your clothes on and tells you to meet her in her office to discuss any concerns. Why do they do this? I mean, do they really think it takes the awkwardness away just because you now have on clothes? My friend is then informed and given a lecture on how bad it is for your Hoo Hah to be shaved or waxed and how some hair down there is needed and she is subjecting herself to an infection and bacteria. That is the thing every woman wants to hear right? I mean, she went through all that trouble for nothing. And, to top it off the doctor did not mention how pretty her toes were!!!
9. Once you have children and you have your dreaded yearly exam, to some extent you get excited when it is time to schedule your appointment. That means you get to have a pedicure!! Some women do this on a monthly thing. But to people like me and my sis n law, it is a rare occurrence and is limited to a special occasion or as mentioned above, your yearly visit.
10. How lucky she is to still have Gyno visits… I am jealous of women who do because now I don’t have the excuse of getting a pedicure since I have had a hysterectomy. I also don’t have that week out of the month for a free excuse to not have to put out. Neither do I have the freedom to pretend my Aunt Flo is hanging around longer than usual. So next time you have your dreaded time of the month, think about the positives.
Oh, I am sorry Hun… That Dang Aunt Flo won’t leave… Ugh!!!
By this point, it is midnight and we realize I got to ring in her 40th with her. Of course I sing her Happy Birthday . Did you know I was a former Rock Star? I mean, I am the one who taught Carrie how to sing. Here is her picture from the 2013 awards along with an excerpt from her Thank you speech in case you missed it or forgot it or did not know who she was referring to.
“But Most importantly, I would like to thank my idol, Collette. Without her, I would have never even had a goal to aim for. One day, I will sing as well as her”
Of course, Captain Vagina was very moved by my serenade. Somehow after that we were cut off. She text me the next a.m. and said she was so moved by my angelic serenade that her phone lost power due to the moisture from her tears. To which I replied, “Don’t worry. It happens all the time when I sing for my friends. ”